On the 8th Day He made Gay Guys

Seems some man named Irons who is some actor has now said some thing and everyone is in a tizzy. And well, frankly, folks, I don’t give a damn. This man has nothing to add to this “debate” – why, he’s as right or wrong as any hetero. Who knows what you people think? I feel like an anthropologist sometimes, trying to figure out what heterosexuals think about gay men. But why some actor’s pronouncement is to be given great shrift is simply beyond me. Everyone admits actors are bimbos, now this one is a sage on gay logic – because he spoke! Like a prophet for heaven’s sake, the way his very words are adulated and parsed and debated – what did he mean? He meant what every heterosexual means on the issue: “Beats me” – you all are so confused it’s not funny. And you’re all like Humpty Dumpty – whatever you say is what you mean it to mean, and nothing more or less.

But you know, I’ve been listening to this now for 40 years, and alas, I have a very good memory.

Do you people, you heterosexuals, listen to yourselves? Do you ever think of comparing notes and seeing how you all can’t be correct? No, apparently not – instead you are all correct – and any given gay man simply must listen to the next sled of sludge as if it’s revealed truth and if we dare say it’s mush we’re the guilty ones for daring to question some heterosexual. It has been repeatedly told to me that any opinion by any heterosexual on gay men is simply valid – regardless of logic, fact, reason, or any conflict or contradiction it poses to the received opinion of the heterosexual standing next to him.

Have you ever talked to 10 heterosexuals at once about gayness? Oh my, it is most fun. It’s a Who’s on First comedy routine of amazing proportions. And you don’t even recognize this – barely a heterosexual I know sees this. No, everyone of you claims this right to pronounce on the subject – which you both admit you rarely if ever think about – but that you are well versed on the matter too – and every other heterosexual has this right. And gay men? Well, we are to listen, and shush, and if we try to get a word in edgewise we’re the bad guys. Like, I said, it’s comedy.

This debate is not between me, Jim, or some consortium of gay men called a “Lobby” or “radicals” or “militants” and Jeremy Irons, posing as this week’s heterosexual poster boy – no, this debate over gay men is between heterosexuals. We’re not debating you folks. We’re off on the sidelines awaiting the exciting conclusion of your debate over what to do with us.

 When, I, Jim, hear what the next of you say, it’s like you think I’m starting this debate for the first time. I’ve heard it all, there’s nothing new under the sun. This week Irons – I don’t debate this man – I could care less what he says. I’m debating the totality of what heterosexuals say. Irons doesn’t exist in a vacuum. He’s not the only one who has an opinion on the matter. I’d say more words were uttered and written on the subject last week then there are gay men to be discussed. But the discussion over us is wondrous. Oh, it runs the gamut from A to Z and back again. Fortunately, God gave me a brain to help figure it all out. And a blog post or a FB comment surely can’t be good enough. Oh, this issue needs a book.

 You heterosexuals admit, forthrightly, that you have no earthly clue as to what we gay men are doing here and how we got here. You are so addled and confused about the reality of our existence – to the point of telling us that we probably really don’t exist, you know, it’s an act, or a phrase, or something. Well, do let us know what you think we think – for you certainly aren’t quite sure we’re doing any thinking, that’s for sure.

 You have so many theories – from germ to gene, father to no father, mother to no mother, birth order, some trauma, not enough sports, choice, abuse, recruit – oh, you don’t know – I’ve read hundreds of books and articles on heterosexuals trying to explain gay men. Put ’em all together you get utter mush. Not to mention that they are all theories – they are suppositions – then you go find a dozen of us to see if you’re correct. In the old days it was just those at the mental clinics – and you still couldn’t find us crazy. Nowadays it’s through a phone survey to see if we “identify with the LGBT Community” – egad, piffle. And then, after the few don’t fit your conclusions – you conclude you’re right, and move on to the next theory. And every scientific paper on the matter references every other paper in quite a gab fest of “beats us.”

 You have no idea of how many of us there are – hell, you can barely define it since you’re so busy worrying about the sex act and not the person. You don’t know where we are, how we are, why we are – nothing – and yet, you do know. You are quite sure of everything about the matter – each and everyone one of you in utter contradiction to the man standing next to you. And then, I’m supposed to not only debate the two or three of you together at once – but you tell me that I must accord validity to your points before the discussion even gets started. Astounding, really.

 Oh yes, you heterosexuals are confused about what we do, when we do it, where we do it – because you have created a construct in your minds of the “homosexual” – and then, every study you come up with, ever – proves your assumption wrong, and well, it’s still valid because gay men might have mucked it up by promoting homosexuality or something.

 Oh, it’s laughable, this debate over sissies, which you know exist – but can’t come to a conclusion as to how many or why – and it’s our fault – but you made us – and it’s comparable to anything under the sun and beyond. I have seen so many comparisons of “gay marriage is like ….” and “gay men are like …” and “gay sex is like …” – but heaven forbid you ask us about it – that would be well, us promoting it.

 Well, you all have your debate about us – what to do about gay men – God’s most perplexing creation. For you all are faced with a conundrum – God, or Gods or Evolution – put us here – and you heterosexuals make us. We’re not making the babies, we’re not making the next gay man – you folks are – and it seems you’re mad as hell and not going to take us anymore – or tolerate us in this bizarre debate where everything said is exactly true and we are to shush lest we taint the results.

 Frankly, I just have never understood heterosexuals – maybe I’m heterophobic.


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