Homosexual Lobby Declares Gay Republic
AP, as reported from Washington, Mexico City, New York, West Hollywood.
“After some forty years of careful planning we hereby declare a Gay Republic,” said Mark Swisher, press secretary of the newly elected government, “On behalf of the 30,000,000 gay Americans, Canadians and Mexicans, and all gay people everywhere, we will all begin to move immediately to the Mexican states of Sinaloa, Sonora, the two Bajas, Chihuahua and Durango, become a majority, give Tijuana and Ciudad Juarez to the United States, and make a one time payment to Mexico of $1 trillion dollars.”
The announcement was made in West Hollywood, California, where Mr. Swisher spoke at an unassuming office on the second floor above a delicatessen on Hollywood Boulevard. There was a tiny press pool to bring the astonishing news to the world. Only the six main networks were allowed in, since the space was so small. The ABC reporter asked “You mean to tell me, this is the headquarters of the so-called homosexual lobby?”
“Yes,” Mr. Swisher said.
In Washington, Mexico City and New York simultaneously the two president’s offices, and the secretary general of the United Nations, made similar announcements, and agreed to recognize the new republic and to work with it in building a fine nation, and that economic trade will be chief among the areas of concern. Reactions were mixed, though positive, around the world. However, decades long assumptions about some organizations seemed to crumble in a minute.
“It’s the easiest solution to the homosexual problem,” said Peter Sprigg, “And I’ve been working with the homosexual lobby for some time now, as has Tony Perkins, because this is a big step.” Tony Perkins added that “We have long supported separation as the best solution, but first we had to find all the gays. So we rabble roused against them, they all came out, and we got them with the plan.”
Fred Phelps said that though God still hated fags, “it’s true, we can’t get rid of them, so may as well give them their own country.”
Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage was asked about the radical idea. She said “Years ago, when I was a single mother, and almost a fag hag, I met some of the lobby, and I was impressed at their dedication to their goal, and it seemed the right thing to do, so I’ve been working with them to reach all the gays so they can get a place of their own.” She added, “I really do admire their perseverance.”
General John “Bud” Packer with the Department of Defense announced that he was working with the Gay Soldiers League to create an effective police force for the new country. “The Gay Republic has agreed with us that there’s no need for an army.” After a few more questions about weapons and such, General Packer said: “Gay folks are pretty peaceful, not militant at all. I don’t think they’re going to need much of a police force, but the US Military did train some 20,000 over the past few years and that should be sufficient, both countries believe.”
Long accused of aiding and abetting the homosexual agenda, the American press corp seemed shocked by the announcement. Now some of them were peppering the president’s office in Mexico City with questions. The president’s chief aide said “That’s why we legalized gay marriage in the Federal District, and made it optional in the other states.” When asked about the loss of so much territory, an issue that has spurred Mexican resentment and politics all its history, Mr. Gonzales said, “Oh, we’ve been removing people from those states for decades; they’re not economically viable for us, but the gays said they could make a go of it, so why not? Time to downsize our country, make it easier to deal with. The rest of the heterosexuals who want to will be leaving soon. We were approached by the homosexual lobby decades ago, and it’s been long in the works.”
In New York’s Times Square many people stood stunned as the news crawlers gave the news of the new country. All across the nation people were still taking in the news, and wondering how it all could have happened. “How did they pull this off?” asked Joe Johnson of Wichita. On the blogosphere, left and right, and middle, there was a sort of amazed … well, few could characterize it.
In London the Queen’s office said that she welcomed the new nation and would gladly accept the ambassador of the new nation at Buckingham Palace. In Moscow the Russian president himself said that he would work even more closely with the new republic in making sure that Russian gays were able to take a nest egg with them, to establish new lives. “We have long had a special fund, from oil revenues, to ensure that our homosexuals can live a good life among their own kind.” Vaclav Havel in the Czech Republic said “it shows that even the most powerless among us can achieve power, through a politics of moral decency of accepting the differences among us and working together in democracy.”
In Indonesia, the homosexual lobby was arranging flights for those who wished to join the exodus. When asked how so many flights could be arranged so quickly, the transportation minister said, “The flight attendants have long been planning the operation.” When asked how many flights, the response was “As many as needed. And not just from Indonesia, but from all South East Asia, we’re just coordinating it.”
A Delta airlines spokesperson would only say that “We’ve been involved since the beginning, we’re not the only one.”
Academia seemed to be taken completely by surprise. Very few professors were aware of this plan, apparently. Immediately questions were asked about how it could be sustainable both economically, and population wise. “There won’t be any children, how can the country continue?” said one bewildered population researcher, who asked not to be named. When Mr. Swisher was asked the question he answered “Oh, heterosexuals produce gay people, at a fairly steady clip, too. Never know which boy it will be, of course, but there you have it, or well, there you have them. And so when they get older they’ll come on down to the Gay Republic.”
The question of the economy came up. Mr. Swisher pointed out that “gay men and women are in all walks of life, and the area we’re taking over has oil, minerals, farm land, pasture, two ports, and a pretty good infrastructure. So it’s sustainable.”
In Rome no one at the Vatican would answer any questions, saying only that “This is the first we have heard of this and we have no comment at this time.”
In Jerusalem the Israeli Government issued a statement that said “This we understand, a land of one’s own. Mazel Tov and Shalom.”
In New York one of the anchors asked a spokesperson for the new republic, “How did you manage to reach all the gay people and organize them?” He seemed a little shocked that he had to ask the question.
“Simple,” said Willy Johnson, “we have all those guy picture sites, I guess you’d call it porn, and well, it had nothing to do with the pictures. It was our network. The Internet is a wonderful organizing tool. The arms and legs and well, other parts were in our semaphore.”
Mr. Swisher was asked where the capital of the new country would be. “La Paz, on the Baja, we like the name – in English ‘peace’, which is what we want.”
“Isn’t that too small of a city to run a country from?” asked the CBS reporter.
“No, we have a fragmented power structure, quite out in the open for years actually, as this small office of the Homosexual Lobby shows. For government truly by the people, for the people, of the people, it might well be the shape of things to come.”
“What will the flag of the new nation look like?” asked a reporter from the New York Times, who seemed utterly amazed at this new reality.
“Why, you’ve seen it for years. It’s the rainbow flag. It flies everywhere already.”
Only time will tell how this new nation will get along, but it certainly is a stunning development for international and domestic politics all over the globe. “Well, we are everywhere,” concluded Mr. Swisher.
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