‘Twas just days before Christmas, and Congress in session, oy vey.
‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the nation,
Not a creature was stirring, ‘cept some miscreant politician.
Our economy was hung in the balance without care,
We had hopes that our deliverance would soon come to bear.
The people were nestled all worried in our beds,
While visions of prosperity danced in our heads.
While momma prayed in the kitchen and I drank a night cap,
They were just settling in like a poisonous sap.
When out of the Senate there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my fretting to see what was the matter.
Away to the internet I flew like a flash,
Opened up a browser and drew a great gasp.
The dollar had fallen, with Europe a new row,
It gave gold some new luster; too, the oil below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But some miniature cretins, spreading some big fear.
With a little old drivel, so dead and so slow,
I knew in a minute we’d come to a new low.
More rapid than raptors, we cursed when they came,
While the House hissed and pandered, we called them by name.
Now Boehner, now Cantor, on Pelosi and Santorum,
Let’s vomit, so stupid, more blunders than Nixon.
From the well of the House, to the edge of our great fall,
Please go away, go away, go away all.
As dry heaves befell us, our fine people did cry,
When we meet with an agency we shout to the sky.
So up to the elections, we cursed and we spewed,
With a ballot full of voids, we still felt we were screwed.
And then with the tinkling I heard up on our roof,
Came gnashing and banging, which we wished were a spoof.
As we drew in our breaths while fighting our ground,
Down our cold chimneys Obama came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his boot,
Like royalty in ermine, tarnished with ill gotten loot.
A bundle of laws, they had flung from their sacks,
They seemed more like dope peddlers riding hard on our backs.
Their eyes, how they twinkled, their Big Government so merry,
Their ideas were like floozy’s, they words poisoned berry.
Their droll mouths were drawn up to say to us “So?”
Our fear from their spin was like bile did flow.
The stumps of our lives they held tight in their teeth,
While most things were banned for us little plebes,
They had wrecked our great nation, their brains filled with jelly,
We shook with anger, and when we did scarf they called us all nelly.
They were thin or fat chumps, like lefty Mao the old elf,
We screamed when we heard them despite our best self.
A stab in our eyes, and a raise of their head,
Soon gave us to know we had so much to dread.
They spoke not a sound word without a teleprompter’s work,
They cut down our stock market, and called us a jerk.
And snorting some cocaine right up their nose,
They took all our money and the taxes they rose.
They said to us “Nay,” their teams gave us thistle,
And away they’d not fly, nor jump to our whistle.
But I heard them exclaim, as they drove down our might,
Oh screw you America, we’ve given you blight.
With apologies and thanks to Clement Clarke Moore.
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