Some Provisions for Santorum’s “NO GAYS! ACT”

What would Santorum’s “No Gays!” law look like?

Rick Santorum is still campaigning on a “get rid of the gays” platform. He seems bereft of any other ideas, which is probably why he’s at 1 or 2 percent in the polls. He stands a snowball’s chance in hell. But still, there he was, bleating on Bradlee Dean’s radio show just the other day –

“When you just ask this question generally, ‘Well, is it okay for people to marry? Well, yes, it’s okay’ But when the debate is had in the states and people recognize what’s at stake, people recognize how life will change if this is instituted, then they say, ‘Oh, wait a minute. We’ll be tolerant, but don’t try to fundamentally change the entire moral structure of our country.’ Which is exactly what this is about.”

Santorum also reminded listeners that he supports laws that outlaw sodomy.

 “And I stood up from the very beginning back in 2003 when the Supreme Court was going to create a constitutional right to sodomy and said this is wrong we can’t do this. We can’t have a constitutional right to consensual sexual activity no matter what it is. Prior to that case, the court protected sex within the bond of marriage, because that’s the sacred bond that government has a role of affirming and taking care of. But it didn’t. There was no such thing our founders contemplated to say that any type of sexual consensual activity was constitutionally protected. And so I stood up when no one else did and got hammered for it. I stood up and I continue to stand up.”

And, so well, sit down already, OK? My, is he this nuts? He clearly wants us to stop being gay, or something, for there are the man’s words from just days ago. I don’t know exactly what he foresees his plan is, but he has one, doesn’t he? Doesn’t he already have his legislative verbiage ready to go the minute he’s in office? He certainly doesn’t want my smooching to be legal. Which is an awful big government reach into my personal life which seems to run afoul of virtually every provision of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, but hey, I’m not the man running for office on the rather communist idea of creating some “enemies of the people” that need to be removed from society for the benefit of the nation.

I won’t even tackle his absurd assertion that the Supreme Court “protected sex within the bond of marriage” – my my, ain’t that a hoot? Divorce has been legal like forever. Easier and easier too. And shacking up and cohabitation is a well respected heterosexual right. Even one night stands seem to be quite common, without benefit of clergy; hell, often by clergy themselves. And contraception, and abortion, and well, even adultery – all perfectly legal for decades. Country songs about these very things abound. I dare say the court has been recognizing that the government doesn’t have much business in the bedroom, or any other room in the house for that matter, and so have told the government to take a hike, and let liberty reign inside the home, like outside too. What planet is Ricky on with that mush?

But, for sure, if he wants to outlaw us, he’ll have to propose a bill, no? So what would the Comprehensive Heterosexual And No Gays Edict look like? Yes, what would be the actual provisions of this wondrous CHANGE? Let’s take a peek, shall we? Hey, maybe I’m going to help Santorum get his verbiage right, so the law is rock solid, so that it is effective – for if he wants me gone, he’s going to need one hell of a law, that’s for sure. And quite a police state while he’s at it.

I’ll skip the “Be it enacted, to protect the heterosexuals of the nation …. and this law can be cited as CHANGE” preamble stuff and get right to the meat of the matter:

  1. Homosexuality shall be illegal. It shall be a felony punishable up to 10 years at hard labor.

There, that should do it, right? Isn’t that all he needs? Pass a law, presto no homos! Or maybe, pass law – go arrest all the homos! No, I’m sure he’ll need more than that.

  1. The use of the word “gay” to mean Homosexual is hereby forbidden.

Would that help the man? Lest we sully the language, eh? You know, to prohibit an 800 year old English word meaning, um, “gay” as Eleanor of Aquitaine used it for her son Richard the Lionhearted, and instead we shall use the modern German import. Sure; that will at least make sure we don’t use the word we like, but only the word he is incessantly using – my, he likes the big words.

  1. No homosexuals can live together anywhere. All such people shall immediately cease all living together and find separate housing.

Wouldn’t that be required? For if the sex is illegal, than how could you allow the gay folks to live together? Why, they’d commit a felony every day if they could, no? The police would be busy, no? Barging into houses to pull out the criminals found a-smooching.

  1. No homosexuals can gather together, all homosexual parades are hereby forbidden, all homosexual bars, cafes, gyms, churches and other meeting places shall immediately cease operation. No homosexuals shall be allowed to speak to one another. All hugging, touching, feeling, stroking, kissing, or other physical contact between homosexuals is hereby forbidden.

Well, you can’t have us meeting together can you? Wouldn’t that be like, fostering the criminal element? Lord knows the conspiring to be homosexual that might go on, even a friendly smooch on the way into the cabal to destroy the sick dreams of Santorum.

  1. All homosexual media, press, internet sites, publications, directories, TV stations, radio shows, shall be cease to operate, and are hereby forbidden.

Yes, well, you can’t have us talking to each other, can you? I mean, wouldn’t that foster the criminality so concerning the man? Sure, you’d have to, I guess, just blatantly outlaw our very communication ability, lest we talk of the wistful days of carefree sissy smooching.

  1. All depictions of homosexuals shall be removed from all libraries, museums, media, immediately, and all such positive depictions of homosexuals are hereby forbidden. Only negative depictions of homosexuals shall be allowed.

Sure, he’d need that too, for he wants to expunge our existence from society. He wants a blank slate of a nation, with no homosexual anything anywhere anymore, except of course in derogatory terms, as he is fond of using,lest we be happy. Why, he claims it’s his right to call me a peril to the nation, and worse, and he doesn’t even know me, odd no? Still, he wants only berating us as sick, evil and dangerous, and weirdly, he wants us to agree to join him in wrecking our lives. Odd man.

  1. All homosexuals shall immediately enter counseling and therapy at Bible or Psychiatric centers to become heterosexual within one week.

Sure, that would be a good provision – for he’s sure we need to change to hetero. Perhaps he’ll put a provision like:

  1. All former homosexuals shall get married within one year, and have children within marriage within 2 years.

Yeah, why not? He want’s us to marry some gal, no? Perhaps he’ll even set up a government program, for then he could pimp women to us and they’d be made to marry us. They’ll have to carry me to the altar and throw me in the bed, but even then I wouldn’t have a clue what to do, nor an interest in doing it. But beats me, if he wants me heterosexual so bad he’s going to have to push me on top the lass and insert whatever goes where himself. I’m not doing it, that’s for sure.

Maybe, to be compassionate, as he erroneously claims he is, he might have something like:

  1. No homosexual shall be allowed to ever mention their prior lives, nor make any positive reference to their prior existence. All homosexuals shall immediately strip their computers, art collections, bookshelves and magazine racks of any images or words pertaining to homosexual conduct or existence.

I mean, really, how can you leave my books on the subject lying about my house? Why, that’s promoting criminal activity! How could that possibly be allowed? No, that’s got to stop too, or I might be a recidivist and revert to my “evil” ways. And I’m sure he might even set up the “office of homosexual book burning” to get rid of it all – for nothing good can be said about us, for his sanity.

Hell, he’s so sure he’s going to brainwash me he’d have to literally remove every vestige of my life as I currently have it, and put something else in its place; maybe he’s a got a pill for this, or will authorize the CDC to come up with some sort of treatment to brainwash me.

  1. No homosexual or anyone one else shall have the legal right to challenge this law, and no court shall be allowed to consider this law, and it shall not be deemed unconstitutional by any judge.

He’d have to put that in there, no? For it would seem that the issue would be quickly brought to every court in the nation, so quick Santorum wouldn’t know what hit him. So he’d have to ensure that we could not do so – perhaps he can say “Homosexuals have no legal rights to question CHANGE since homosexuals are not of sound mind and body, no such thing as homosexuality exists, nor can it exist.”

I don’t know, he’d have to go pretty far in this – why, we’d meet in our bars, quickly write up the legal complaint, spread the word for the most gigantic class action suit ever contemplated in this nation and rush off to every federal court in the nation demanding this odious mush be stricken from the law immediately with no further thought on the matter, and then we’d all troop off to the White House and surround the place and not let the man out lest he do further damage to the nation.

Perhaps he’ll just go for the gusto:

  1. All homosexuals who refuse to change to heterosexuality shall turn themselves over to the police in preparation for their incarceration. All homosexuals incarcerated shall be in solitary confinement so they could not do anything homosexual. No homosexuals incarcerated shall be allowed to mention they’re homosexual since the thing is outlawed.

Or maybe he’ll have this doozy of lunacy:

12) All police forces in the nation shall immediately seek out and arrest all homosexuals at home, work or play, until there be no homosexuals on the streets of America.

Isn’t that what he wants? Yes, he says it there – he wants gays gone – outlawed, just branded (hell, with his mindset, maybe he wants us branded or tattooed so that we can be spotted and kept out of houses, schools, churches, restaurants, etc, etc.) He seems to be genocidal almost, and certainly Bradlee Dean is – why that man has uttered the fine words “it’s morally OK to execute homosexuals.” Ain’t that grand? A presidential candidate, a supposedly stolid stalwart of the GOP establishment comporting with, luxuriating with, even, a man who has openly called for the genocide of gay folks. Sweet, what a nation! What a bunch of friggin’ Nazis already.

Can anything be more absurd that this constant drumbeat within the GOP, and quite a few Democrats mind you, to just up and outlaw gay folks? Or their constant bleating “change, change, change,” egad, what idiots. Do they really think they’re going to get rid of us? Do they think they will haul us all into court to be convicted of the crime of being gay and then sent to the pokey for the rest of our lives?

Or is this man Santorum – the same age as me, 53 – really just this flippin’ stupid as to think I’m going to marry his sister because he’s outlawed my existence and that I will change my life for his benefit? And if he is this delusional on sissies, how stupid and dangerously inept, and frighteningly dictatorial on everything else can he truly be?

The man is not fit for the job of public dog catcher. He’s insane. And he’s out to get me. And I’m not paranoid. For he keeps saying it. Over and over again, everywhere he can. And he’s proud of his mush. But let me tell the man something – he’ll have to kill me and the rest of us. And perhaps he wants to, com’n Ricky, don’t be shy – tell it like you want it – NO GAYS! Oh well, I regret I have but one life to give for my country. But Ricky, go pick on someone else already, grow up. Egad; what a mush head.


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