The Irony of the Gay staff at the NO GAYS! “Values Summit”

This very weekend, yesterday, today & tomorrow, October 7-9, at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington DC, the premier people of the NO GAYS! Movement will assemble to call gay folks, as one Mark Staver did, whoever he is, somebody important, he’s there, “a threat to Western Civilization.” Oh, the people there will all think they’re saving the nation, with as the website says, “Limited Government” “Reduce Spending” – oh, and this “Return to Traditional Values.” And who, among all the people in this nation, do the ring leaders of this confab think have left “traditional values” – why, gay folks. Utterly bizarre, we seem to be the only ones.

Not a one of these people will bring up college frat boys drunkenly date raping cheerleaders, nor the Jerry Springer show – or, if they do bring them up, it will be wink, wink, ah, men! And none of the people who burden the public purse with broken families, unwanted kids, violent youth, wife beating, etc, etc, none of them will be called “evil” or a “threat to family” or definitely not to Western Civilization itself! No, who will be the only people labeled as the dire threat to this bizarre heterosexual lifestyle no gay man can understand? It will us gay folks, and especially, us gay guys. We’re the worst of the worst – for our “agenda” is supposedly to “destroy the nation” and “weaken the military” and “join the Muslims in Jihad against Christianity.” It’s a strange mumbo jumbo of arrant nonsense, but hey, no one asked my opinion. Ah, I give it anyway.

Which is odd, these accusations against gay men, for earlier that day, perhaps a day earlier, it was almost certainly some gay guy checking all these folks into their plush rooms at $199 a night. Oh, yes, who do people think is staffing the plush hotel front desks? I have stayed in plush hotels; yep, gaydar went “beep, beep, beep” and knowing flirtacious smiles did flicker, and even a quiet request “Hey, where’s the nearest friendly bar?” and the answer be given. Is Mr. Staver willfully blind, purposefully stupid or malicious? Or just so plain real live stupid that he can’t spot the gay guy saying “Room 452, have a pleasant stay, enjoy the conference”? Beats me, you’ll have to ask him.

Now, this Mr. Staver no doubt travels a bit; and stays in plush hotels, after having raised millions by calling gay folks “evil” and a “threat” – how could he do so without seeing the gay guy behind the counter? I’m flummoxed how he not only doesn’t see the gay guy, but that if he does he ignores the reality and goes on to say we’re the “greatest threat to Western Civilization.” Utterly bizarre; but hey, I live in the real world.

Now, the boyfriends Tony Perkins and Peter Sprigg – two grown men spending virtually every minute of their working day talking about gay sex and gay life and gay men especially (I never have heard them say much about Lesbians, perhaps they have,) went through the same process that Staver did – got checked into their comfy rooms by a gay guy. Or if they stayed in their nearby homes; but merely set up the conference, then they simply had to talk to the gay folks who populate the conference centers, restaurants, bars, kitchens, concierges, and all the other hotel staff of plush hotels. It would be unimaginable that they did not deal with a gay guy, unless they specifically said “Um, we don’t want to talk to any of the gay people working here, in fact, give them all the weekend off, only straights for us.” I dare say, the hotels wouldn’t be able to fill the crews required for such a large gathering.

These two put in long hours, no doubt given the size of the menace they think we are, and the intractability of the practicality of expunging us from society, and their constant calls for exporting or incarcerating us or at least outlawing and berating us at every moment, less we enjoy a bit of peace – and then they blithely go and I would imagine deal rather comfortably with gay people all the live long day at the NO GAYS! Conference. It’s astounding to think that this fabulous duo don’t see this. Are they truly that clueless? Say it ain’t so!

Bryan Fischer almost certainly flew in from somewhere; perhaps a private jet, but I’m more inclined to think he took a commercial flight, though probably first class, since he makes a good amount of money telling the world that the very flight attendant who makes his flight an enjoyable, safe and efficient one is an unholy threat to um, an enjoyable, safe and efficient life. Oh yes he does; he’s quite sure we should all be made felons once again; why, he’s compared us to Jihadi blowing up shopping centers! I’m fairly certain that he would want us arrested, no? Or what other purpose of such a law? And then he’d lose a flight attendant, and that man his job, and society a useful productive peaceful courteous person. I can’t fathom the depth of delusion this must require.

And Maggie Gallagher I’m sure will be at all the buffet tables and perhaps chase the canape boy even, for she does seem to be eating a lot to maintain her heft, (I worry for her health, I hear the obese die 20 years before the thin, she’s going before I am, for sure.) And in the course of her nom, nom, noming through the shrimp and pigs-in-a-blanket (what apt imagery for her, but hey, call me “evil” and I can get cranky, but I digress,) she will engage gay guys. Dozens of ’em at a hotel such as this. It’s impossible to escape the gay staff at the banquet halls of America, even where weddings are held.

It’s impossible to avoid the gay bartenders at the conventions all across this land and the Washington Omni Shoreham even. It’s impossible to avoid the gay guys dishing out the foods to people in a buffet line; yep, impossible. And then, after stuffing her face, she will pronounce the very hands that feed her “evil” who must be removed from society. Which is Biblically, I think, called “hypocrisy.”

I don’t need to list the names of all the other charlatans of the NO GAYS! Movement – all these people move through their lives being assisted by gay people – from the hotel desk clerks, to the waiters at many a restaurant, to the concierges, the convention managers, the flight attendants and the airline check in guy are almost certainly, with 80% accurate measure, to be gay. It’s so obvious I can’t help but wonder – are these people really this clueless and thus this crazy? Do they really believe that the gay guys of this nation (oh, yah, Lesbians hardly ever have such positions, it’s a gay man’s world for sure,) are a threat as their way through their anti-gay confabs is eased by the hands, minds and hearts of gay men?

Hands for sure; for well, buttons must be pushed, papers flitted about, things signed, yes, it’s a hands on job. Watch the wrists, people, it’s a clue. Minds for certain, for it all seems to run rather impressively smoothly, don’t you think, despite our “dysfunctional” personalities. Incompetence is certainly not rewarded when it comes to pleasing important people like presidential contenders by the score, and their entourages of mucky mucks, and of course, the sponsors of this very important confab about the evils of Homosexuality. But hearts too, and perhaps in a wistful sort of way, as in “oh these silly people,” but still, the staff at plush hotels are pleasant, and aim to please, and will bend over whichever way might be required to please the poobahs come to take in the message “Gays are the Biggest Threat to Western Civilization!” “Gays must be outlawed!” “Harass them back into the closet!” “Demand they join my way of reading the Bible”

And for fiscal sanity they want to spend billions to round us up and throw away the key? It’s quite amazing. Not amazing that they say it, no; I’ve been hearing it for 35 years, there’s nothing new under the sun – not even gay folks – but that presidential candidates would go listen to any of it, well, now that’s strange.

Or these NO GAYS! People demand, against all rational thought, and our own well considered statement that “No, not going to happen, thanks for your concern,” that we simply jump up in the AM and with Bible in hand go find a girl, though probably not their sister or daughter, for you know, we were icky once, and they would not want us at the Christmas dinner. Can you imagine the stories I could tell of my past to my new brother-in-law Peter Sprigg?

Hey, Peter, let me tell you the time I help organize and lead a spontaneous demonstration against the Bowers decision in 1986, and on July 4th too, and lead it right down to the foot of Manhattan, where finally the water cannons were assembled to dissuade us. I’m sure he’d be tickled pink to hear, you know, buddy to buddy about the handful of bar raids I was in. I couldn’t tell him of any sports exploits, I throw like a girl, and can’t see a moving ball worth a darn and with glasses, football was sort of way out of the question. Hell, I couldn’t even survive dodge ball. So, no, it would be stories of fine times at Dirty Sallies, one of the finest gay patio bars in Houston, long gone, oh well. Or perhaps I’m to be so brainwashed that even memories are to be stricken, less I be tempted.

Of course, being a piano player, I have played in posh hotels; oh yes. And while never while an anti-gay confab is going on, definitely for conventions and the lounges and lobbies, and I’m sure right this very evening, all over the Omni Shoreham will be a piano player, and perhaps some other musicians. Why, their might even be a sing along or karaoke of patriotic songs – and lo, even the musicians will be gay, because you know, we’re out to wreck the place.

And perhaps the biggest irony is that all these gay men will quietly go about their jobs – and not a one will do a thing to disrupt the proceedings. Not a one will so much as take a physical or verbal swipe at any of these people who are calling them “evil” and “sick” and a “threat” while up on stage, or standing around the lobby even. Not one gay guy will drop hot coffee into the laps of any of them; nor poison the food, or sprinkle listeria or something. No, all will go smoothly, with unerring politeness, and a sense of decency more reminiscent of Jesus’ command to “turn the other cheek” than anything like we’re being portrayed.

Not a gay man there will be at all what they are proclaimed to be – a threat to society – but will, in fact, make sure this little microcosm of society has all that it needs so they might cite their delusions and science fiction and mushy theories – why, in a way, it is a science fiction conference. But I bet, behind the scenes, where the poobahs don’t go, I’m sure the gay guys are giggling their tuckuses off, saying, “did you hear that!” But still, wistfully, for it is a sad day in America when a tiny group is pilloried as if the pillorying of us and us alone is the very lynchpin of society. For it shows a delusion among the leaders of this nation that ill portends for our society.

And now I shall go tend the 89 year old I tend, and call an aunt or uncle or two, and look at my garden, and contemplate the gay weddings going on in several states this very fine autumn weekend. And somehow that’s apropos, for like the 89 year old and the coming of winter, the NO GAYS! movement is dying. Slowly, but dying none the less. Good luck fella’s, but get a grip, and tackle a real problem.


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