When I figured out everyone wasn’t gay, I was shocked!

I was 15 years old when I figured out that you folks weren’t gay. It shocked me when it really hit. Though, it took me awhile to realize this; that you had this lifestyle that was foreign to my thoughts. There in 9th grade it dawned on me that you heterosexuals liked doing stuff that was just beyond my comprehension, that I actually found repulsive. I have no idea how you do it; but I wish thee well. But, like I said, boy was it a shock! I don’t think I’m over it yet 🙂

I also found out that some people objected to the way I was. And a few made vocal with the sentiments. So I pounded the living daylights out of two of the worst, the ringleaders as it were. I did so publicly, well timed; waiting strategically for the right moment for maximum effect against what was a near daily bit of nastiness. Bullying I think they called it; though it was verbal, for in 7th grade I shot up to 6’1” and grew a beard. So I was not something a bunch of hairless little pubescent punks wanted to tangle with too much. But those two tried, bless their souls.

And as the adults, including my own father, pulled me off of the rather startled and pained two youths I meted punishment to, I was screaming “call me queer one more time and I’ll kill you.”

Things got better after that; a bashing fag is quite a marvel to behold, apparently. Hell, we really only had to have one riot to get this conversation with you people going. As I like to joke: we did it backwards and in high heels to “Somewhere over the Rainbow.” Quite the dramatists we are, no?

And yes, I know you folks ain’t gay; you all remind me in ways big and small. Sometimes by telling me all about the joys of your life; with which I am completely concordant in your joy. And other times by telling me you’re not gay rather bluntly; especially guys. I know you’re not gay. Why would I think anything else? Tell me what I don’t know; not the obvious. I often joke, though: you can change, you can crate the straight away, and be gay. But yes, most of you guys are not gay, we get it; and well, what a waste of manhood; but do enjoy what you do, I wish you well. The better of you can handle me and my jokes quite well. I try with the rest.

And in a way, these creeps of the NO GAYS! Movement – Tony Perkins, Maggie Gallagher, Bryan Fischer, Rick Santorum, oh hell, there’s so many it’s comedic and frightful at the same time – here, go, learn: www.goodasyou.org www.ontopmag.com www.izzoiz.com and so many more sites – dozens of them now – we keep track of all that these creeps say. We catalog it. We organize it into categories of “pure nastiness” to “bizarre delusion” to “utter balderdash” to “tort actionable slander and libel.”

For these people know nothing of our existence. They are saying that hetero boys of some indeterminate age are “recruited” to one degree or another by us older guys – and that we were in turn “recruited.” They vary on the exact method; you need a score card to keep track of the mush. And some claim we had a predisposition, or something. Others just throw their hands up, like the Cardinal of Chicago, one Mr. George said: “it’s largely unexplained.” Yes, well, with clarity like this, and a hundred different opinions, surely I should listen to you all as if I had no idea what I was taking about. Well, frankly, your opinions are mush.

Why don’t you try listening to it from our side, instead of telling us what we think? Jesus said, “walk a mile in another man’s shoes before you condemn him.” I ask but a mere block, walk a block in mine before you all go off on this strange fear and destruction rage against a little dash of reality. And those of you who understand what I say, tell it to your heterosexual friends – they ain’t listening to me, that’s for sure.

Let’s set the record, um, straight: We don’t chose to be gay. We aren’t recruited. We don’t even really think about it except in this way, and always when we are kids, alone thinking these things: Oh my Lord – those guys want to do that with women!? Well, not me! Never!!!!!!!!!! That’s disgusting! Yech. Icky. Blah.

Which pretty much sums up my opinion the state of “gay” politics and rights and everything today, and of course the oft ballyhooed “homosexuality problem.” I’m a piano player, I have no idea what you’re talking about Mr & Mrs Get Rid of the Gays — and you don’t either. But I don’t have to think much on this; I’ve heard it all before; this stuff whooshes out of me, fret not  — but few of you have ever heard what I have to say on the matter. And I shall cause you to think.

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