Gay Folks, Family, Hetero Friends & the NO GAYS! Politicians

I went out last night. To a quiet bar, to play pool, with my friend I picked up at the airport. We were joined by a third friend, who was the designated driver. It was a nice quiet pleasant uneventful night at a bar that’s been there for over 30 years. It’s a family run business. Richard and Guy (yeah, a guy named “guy,” go figure,) own it, and they’ve been together 32 years. Richard was once a bartender there, but he was already owner and with Guy when I happened upon the place 27 years ago. It’s my “Cheers” in a way; for many, indeed, do know my name. And, oddly, to most everyone, it’s “Hlavac.” In fact, virtually none of my friends call me Jim. Anyway, so the family run bar has been there for 30+ years with no police calls – except well, no, except that one time when some crazed hetero came in and started shooting up the place. Two of my friends were shot; fortunately both lived to not like to talk about it much.

And then I hear that this woman, Linda Harvey wants to shut down gay bars. Is she out of her mind? Why on earth would you close a 30+ year old family run business that causes no trouble, sits alone down under the bridge, out of everyone’s way, and with a bouncer to keep her kind out so we might have a night out with our usual peaceful selves? Frankly, I can recall no fight in a gay bar – except one caused by straight people. One time, on 1982 or ’83 or so, at the Ninth Circle, in NYC, two or three heteros sauntered in and started throwing punches! We were like, “What on earth?” And they were so beaten up and tossed to the curb that the cops were called to take the miscreants away. What did we do to this woman? Why does she think it OK to call out on political radio that we be denied the one place we all truly feel 100% comfortable? Is it too much to ask for a moment’s peace from these people? Or do they just intend to hound us for the rest of our days? Get a grip, Linda. Alas, she influences many, and talks to governors and such.

OK, so family run is the bar, that the manager is the niece of Richard. And oddly, well, she’s a Lesbian, and looks the part, I assure you. Ain’t no doubting there, no. Even more weirdly, one of the guys shot oh so long ago, James, is with Kyle for 30+ years, and they own the other quiet out of the way gay bar on Main Street, oh, within eyesight of the state capitol building, and right on the Mardi Gras parade route. And thus almost shouting distance of the governor’s office; at least surely no more than, oh, a 5 minute walk. And the bar has been there for oh, 30+ years, far longer than the governor has, and longer than the governor has been married, as too are James and Kyle “married” longer than the governor. But he’s quite sure we might be a menace of some type; though he is not as bad as Rick Perry. Now, Mr. Perry wants to bring back the full force of the “sodomy” statues (aka “sissy smooching stomping) laws – and what was the “full force” of those laws back before 2003 when Lawrence v Texas did take the winds out of his sails?

Why, there was no force, full or otherwise. The farce is that even while Mr. Perry was lieutenant governor and then governor – and he had that law he looovvveees so much for the good of the nation that he would bring it back, perhaps not even as a state law, but a federal felony perhaps, right at his fingertips – and did NOTHING! He was derelict in his duty; he did not enforce the law. Why, he’s so sure that every law be enforced that’s he miffed at Obama for maybe not or yes, sometime, enforcing DOMA. Rick Perry himself didn’t absolutely not a thing to stop sissy smooching in his time of office with the very law he wants right in his hands then. Hypocrite? Derelict in duty?

For decades while that law stood no a gay couple was arrested. Even Justice Scalia, who wished the law to remain, and voted to keep it, was quite surprised to hear that not a single person was arrested in 25 years under the statute in question. And in Houston, with over 30 gay bars and quite a festive parade for those same 25 years. You couldn’t find a sissy to pick on, Rick? When other states, all with fine amicus briefs in support of the law, Georgia, Louisiana, Florida, you know, the usual suspects, were questioned about how they were enforcing this fine law it was found that well, no, no one was enforcing the law at all. Instead, they raked in the liquor and property taxes and the income and sales taxes – we’re quite the cash cow, we busy bees be. Not only did no one enforce it – less than 5 blocks from Rick Perry’s office in the State Capitol Building, that big pink blob in Austin – the city, county and state police came out and policed the gay pride parades which passed yearly, for decades – and no one could find us? Are they blind? Or just nasty? Or stupid?

And this man wants to bring back a law to outlaw us cuddling again? Is he out of his mind? Look, I don’t care if you don’t want to hear about gay folks (How to solve, hmm: Hint: stop talking about us as the dire threat to civilization as soon as we get off work as a waiter at Applebee’s for heaven’s sake.) I don’t care if you run away screaming like Ms. Muffett after the spider sat beside her. I don’t care if you think it’s gross, or “I wouldn’t do that!” Yes, well, Doh! You hetero men are amazing “How can you do that?” you ask. Well, I can assure you I’m not a practicing homosexual. No, I’m very good at. And I would ask the same thing back at you: “How can you do that, gross!” But I don’t talk about such things, and in fact, you won’t believe it, but gay men talk a lot less about sex than you hetero folks; and we certainly talk a hell of a lot less about gay sex than you folks do – you all are obsessed with! We talk romance, and “cute” and “fine” and “what a honey” and even, should he be Gay Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Extravapalooza, “bambi boy.” Oh don’t worry, the guy’s a guy, just like in Sports Illustrated, and yes, we got gay sports websites with swim suit issues.

Speaking of which, in this new found fervor to hound us for the good of the nation, and bringing back the no nooky laws, and maybe shutting the gay bars, and dissolving the marriages without so much as a letter from anyone in this weird Bill of Attainder “Marriage Amendment” nonsense – are you all going to curtail our free speech by shutting down our news outlets? Are you going to shut our blogs and our websites? Will you make us cease publishing the monthly guide to the gayborhoods all across America? There are more than 455 cities in this nation with gay bars. Does Rick Perry and Rick Santorum really think they’re going to pass laws against this? Oh yah, sure, Budweiser, Miller, Papst, Stoly, Malibu, Cap’t Morgan, Jaggermeister, and all the rest who give their logos in posters and neon and such to grace the bar walls – do you think they’re going to like loosing all that business? Or is the Pink Dollar not all that much? Well I’d say it’s a good $250,000,000,000 somehow or another.

You know, I could have sworn there was a depression going on – or a recession – or a weak recovery – oh call it what you want, I don’t care – but now we have a raft of politicians – Bachmann, Santorum, Perry, Gingrich and Lord knows who else – all willing to spend billions of dollars to shut down family owned businesses in operation for decades with no fuss and muss and the taxes paid. Is this not utter lunacy? Do they not wonder about the cost of the litigation? What judge in his right mind is not going to but an injunction on such a law? And do these people think we shall just quietly go home and say, “oh well”? And who is putting such childish and bizarre ideas into their head? Oh, yah, some crazed Religious nuts who seem to think they will tell me how I shall live.

I’m not even sure that heteros, my friends or otherwise, really understand what Maggie Gallagher of the ill named “National Organization for Marriage” is saying – she’s not against gay marriage, nor is she against civil unions – she’s against my existence – she demands that I pray to her God in her way. Get a load of that crap, eh? To demand I become a Catholic or else! Like it’s some friggin’ inquisition and I’m to convert or suffer. She’s quite the Medieval queen, I dare say. But where does she get off demanding this of me? As 100% of my friends & family know, I do not talk religion. Oh, sure, maybe to explain the history of the Hussite faith, or to talk of Medieval popes, who I do like reading about. But I don’t care what your faith is, nor how deeply you hold it, nor in what way you might exercise it, nor with what ceremony or prelates of any sort – that is so much your business I couldn’t imagine me even going beyond asking who wrote that gorgeous hymn or something. And 100% of my friends & family have never grilled me on mine. So who then are these political figures come to demand obeisance to their God? What nation are they living in? And in what century?

And so too, this Tony Perkins and Peter Sprigg couple – so against gay folks that they spend all day and night together, far from their wives, and in close embrace of some evil kind – there in the bowels of the Family Research Council – and they too demand I conform to their mission for my life. Two men, whom I never met – have been meeting with politicians to craft God knows what rules and laws to make sure that I read the Bible exactly as they think I shall read it. And worse, appalling, inflict me on some woman who does not deserve me. That would be unfair to any damsel, to be forced to marry me.

And they think they have the right to pass laws against my happiness, for mine is not theirs, and they are upset about this, for their God is angry. Who is this God of theirs? I do not know their God, though they be welcome to it. My God has given me a wonderful life. I have had a blast. I have gone fine places, and seen the world far and wide, and this nation too. I have friends in cities from Prague (hell, relatives there too!) to Mazatlan and many places in between. I have family all across this nation, and quite a few in the Czech Republic – their God, my family’s and friend’s God, and my God, too, seem to be all quite in agreement – I’m a fine fellow and quite a piano player.

So who are these men to demand that I follow their religion under duress – and just possibly at the point of a police gun? They are unAmerican. They are not “conserving” America. They know nothing of Liberty – they are friggin’ mini-dictators. They are bringing about a police state. And once they round up us gays, oh, they’ll go for the others they don’t like. Not even the Amish will be safe from these creeps on some holy-roly drunken bender for power and control of other people’s lives because they are so delusional as to believe that God talks to them. Message boys, God has more important things to do than talk to you two. Tony and Peter – I don’t know you – leave me alone. Shut up and get a real job for Christ’s sake, and stop trying to fudge with my life. You two are political failures, for we have talked to our mom’s – and moms are all the more formidable than you two creeps with coke bottles up your butts.

Meanwhile, I was asked once, “what do gay men conserve?” Well, let me tell you – Old Houses. Yes, we seem to be quite the inner city old house renovators. And old ladies’ thinning hair down at Lance’s Salon. Or we work in museums and art galleries, for sure. Not to mention, well, I wrote a book – the only book actually on the subject – on the Czechs & Slovaks of Louisiana. Yes, a bit of history never before recounted now “conserved.” That I had no son or daughter doesn’t make that less of an achievement, does it? And all those antique dealers and curio venders, so many are gay – why, right there off of Highway 6, going into Hawley PA, a tiny tiny town, of 1500 or so, and there’s the antique shop with an American flag hanging above a Rainbow Flag. I pointed it to my sister; it never occurred to her. Further downtown there’s a American flag hanging next to a Gadsden Flag – yes, well, gay men like snakes, I assure you (seems to be one of the complaints, our snake-love, eh?) – and so the Rainbow Flag is our Don’t Tread On Us Flag. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Oh, I don’t care if you personally won’t “recognize” a “gay” “marriage” – but truly, I must question the sanity of anyone who says that James & Kyle and Richard & Guy, and by extension and close held friendship with these guys myself, too, are not a “couple” of some kind. And because they own family businesses and houses, and have co-mingled their lives like any other free American couple, then there should be laws that make it easier to deal with the myriad of issues related to this matter – not calls to send in the police to arrest us all and shut us down and incarcerate us.

This bizarre idea that America is going to incarcerate all the gays? Why, it’s nuts! So why on earth would a politician even mention it? Wouldn’t he just say something like “Well, I don’t understand it, but well, who cares? We got bigger fish to fry, let’s give ’em a ‘gay couple’ law and be done with this.” But nooo, they spend endless hours on the hustings signing pledges to get rid of me, or make my life miserable, so some religious nut can put a notch in his belt for “his” God.

And that’s all it is really – we have jobs, and lives, and savings, and bills, and still have to clean the laundry and the dishes, and mow the lawn, or at least the windows. We live in every city and county in the nation – and this is a problem? That we now need to have again unenforceable – both by reality and by practice – laws to “solve the problem” of a hairdresser in love with a waiter from the wedding banquet hall? This is the grave threat to the nation that requires Presidential attention? And even a Constitutional Amendment? Is this nation really that fearful of a bunch of sissies? Astounding! Truly. No one wonder nothing can get solved, you’re all freaked out about nothing to the point you all can’t see the real issue – there’s too much government. We certainly don’t need a “Gay Czar” to get rid of us at a astronomical cost in emotion, humanity and wealth, that’s for sure. So cut the crap already. And definitely stop calling us “child molesters” — man, does that rile be up no end!


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