Michelle Bachmann, come and meet me, happy gay guy!

I’d like to personally invite Michelle Bachmann to meet with me, ordinary citizen of the United States, so that she might get a better understanding of what exactly she’s talking about. I extend this invitation to her because in 2004 the lady did gave a speech to the National Education Conference and said gay folks are sad people, well, here’s the quote from the article I read this morning: “Gregory played a 2004 clip of Bachmann addressing the National Education Conference when she stated that being gay is “a very sad life.” Oh really? She knows this? She’s sure? I’d disagree, indeed, sad to say. And now she’s trying to weasel out of having said it. The question is simple – do you still think these things Ms, Bachmann, or have you come to your senses, like the rest of the nation is doing?

And I’d like to explain to her, personally, so she really understands this – I have not had “a very sad life.” There’s nothing “sad” about it. Oh, sure, moments of sadness, you know, a car wreck, or a canceled performance, or someone near and dear called home to God. But “a very sad life”? Oh ma’am, are you mistaken, very much so. And when I’m done explaining it to her, I shall play her some of my piano music – which is anything but sad, but is rather happy – and give her one of my happy flower paintings to take as my gift to her.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/bachmann-says-she-isn-t-running-judge-gays-141829996.html

is the article I read.

Now, the day was going fine until I read this. And you know, now I’m saddened by her utter lack of reality on this “issue” which is not an issue, except for people who make it an issue. And so, she made it an issue. For one would think that when one prepares and delivers a speech to the National Education Conference, whatever that is, one could say that she has made my existence, of which she obviously knows nothing, an issue of discussion for all to see, know and hear. So let us examine this, this “sad life” business. (And I wonder if the sages at this NEC bothered to bring in a gay guy to give our take on this issue of alleged sadness?) And I certainly never went to any national conference and made her life an issue, that’s for sure. She started this little spat between her and I.

But more than the sad, she said this: “It’s part of Satan, I think, to say that this is ‘gay.’ It’s anything but ‘gay.'” She also stated that the gay lifestyle is “bondage” that leads to “personal enslavement of individuals” and is “dangerous.” But she also encouraged compassion for those dealing with what she identifies as a “sexual dysfunction.”

Well, sexual dysfunction is not the case, no. No need for Viagra yet. Everything still works fine, near as I can or will tell. Oh, she means, “gayness is sexual dysfunction” I think – well, no, it’s rather natural for me – I’m not even a “practicing homosexual” – no. I’m very good at it, professional, if one could be professional at romance and nooky. At least adept, perhaps, is the word.

And I think, yep, she’s clueless and talking about some miasma, some chimera, some ethereal reality that exists only in her own mind (and other minds, if truth be told,) without her actually seeming to know any gay people. I mean, has she been to her local gay bar? There’s plenty up there in Minnesota. Has she met any church organists? Why, most of them are gay, for sure. And too, perhaps a florist in her town, they’re often gay. Oh I’m sure in her state there are plenty of places she could meet rather happy gay people; people happy all the live long day. In fact, since she travels she must stay in hotels, no? Did she not notice the slight, fey, slim man checking her in with a pleasant smile and a “have a nice day, ma’am”? And weirdly, does she really think Satan or his agent is standing at the hotel desk?

Does she eat in restaurants? Has she noticed the gay waiters with the pleasant smiles? Has she flown? Did she not see the flight(y) attendant sashay down the aisle after locking the cockpit door against real agents of Satan, they being the terrorists who wish to hijack airplanes? Why, she should inquire of any of these gay men she meets, “Are you happy?” and I’d bet, and I’m not a betting man, that every single last one of them would say, “Why, yes I’m happy, why do you ask?”

Still, I just wonder why someone would say something like she said. Yes, the “right” to say, but surely the duty not to, and certainly it’s not intelligent, for it’s just not based in reality. Now, she said this is 2004, when she wasn’t anybody very important, except enough to get to speak to a National Conference – and well, now she’s running for president. And president’s have power. And if she’s elected, she’ll be my president – even if I don’t vote for her, I’m still in effect, as citizen, her employer – surely I have the right and the duty to inquire about exactly what does she mean by her statements – for she has made my life an issue for reasons unbeknownst to me.

She has done so, for example, by making speeches like she did to that national conference. Where else has she made such speeches? How important are a few happy gay guys to the nation that we should be this topic of discussion? Why does she think our lives, of which she knows nothing, are so important as to require rather delusional comments about us to assemblies of thousands? How often has she made such comments, and to whom? Oh, I do ask, do tell.

To what purpose was such a speech made? What was she wanting the NEC to do about all the little alleged Satans in their midst? What course of action does she recommend? If telling me I should “pray,” well, my religious beliefs are not her business. If telling me I should find the girl of her dreams – well, I’m a bit flummoxed. I have no idea how to do that, nor where it might be done. Besides, I’m gay, why would I want to kiss a girl? I hear they’re nice, but there are plenty of gentlemen who would be far better for any damsel than I, I assure you.

What does she want to do about this “personal enslavement” – whatever that is – and yes, what is that? I have no clue. It’s some strange phrase that makes no sense – Am I enslaved to my own personality? Enslaved to what? “Bondage” – no, I’ve never done bondage in any way; I don’t even wear a watch, I find it too confining.

And how does one “encourage compassion” for “sad” people in league with, or perhaps being, Satan? Sort of like the Cardinal of Chicago, one Mr. George, who thinks his very gay nephew is a “fine man” who is also an “evil homosexual.” It’s quite a torture of logic to hold both positions. I surely can’t do it, and I’m not slouch in the thinking department. Something about “religion” they tell me, I think, but religion is the not the balliwick of government, and they should stay away from which religious beliefs I might adhere to.

Still, with comments like these, well, it’s no wonder people inquire what she means. She’s on record of wanting to bring back DADT, and to pass a Constitutional Amendment against happiness for a few – boy, talk about making me sad. It seems Ms. Bachmann is a major cause of my sadness, and she doesn’t seem to see that, which is, um, sad.

Indeed, my chief cause of any such sadness I might have of late (which is more like irate outraged indignation at this point,) is listening to brain dead statements like these. And on the public hustings too! Calling for laws and the full might of the government to come down on my head, even. Boy, talk about your sad times – “Hi, I’m from the government, here to help you with your personal enslavement and bondage.” Yes, that would be very weird, and sad. So, yes, my dear Ms. Bachmann, you need to meet some gay folks, and see how very happy we are. Except, well, except when once again listening to the mush, lies, weird comments, delusion and just plain nastiness about us. So I will volunteer to be the representative of the gay citizens, for I’m about average among us, I’m sure.

Hey, I got a better idea! She’s into conferences eh? Why doesn’t she call for a National Commission on Gay Americans? Don’t forget to invite us to the conference, now! So that this nation can really figure this out. For the nation seems to be quite confused, and quite fearful, of hairdressers and antique dealers, interior designers and a few rather miffed people whose lives, fortunes and sacred honor hang in the balance. I think she owes that to we citizens whom she says she’s so compassionate over because we allegedly lead “a very sad life.” Oh, let’s all get on the Pursuing Happiness trail, indeed. So give me a call, dear, I’m sure I can squeeze you into my schedule. Now I shall go to my garden, which makes me happy indeed. Nothing like a rose to take away any lingering sadness, I tell you.

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