Stocks Plunge 513 Pts! Romney Tackles Gay Couples! Nation Saved!

Or, How Tony Perkins is Destroying America.

Now, yesterday, for the 9th out of 10 days the stock market fell. Only it fell spectacularly. I dare not call my sister to hear the gnashing of teeth over the family investments. It would grieve me so; perhaps I should, though, to sooth her nerves. And the unemployment either stayed the same, or went up, or sideways, or even down, depending on how you count it; and there seems to be various sweet ways to count it the way you want to get the number you want. Why, jobs not lost are “saved” even. And there’s “non-farm” employment, which is funny, because one of the complaints is that there’s no one out on the farms anymore, it being all corporate and mechanized. About the only people left on the farms are the illegal aliens no one can find, right? Are they counted in the “farm” employment? I don’t know, nope, I don’t.

The debt and deficit were solved by simply agreeing to spend like drunken sailors until the cows come home, but to switch to gin instead of drinking vodka. And the world knows a good drunk when it sees one. So markets across the board fell, from here to Shanghai, and Dubai, and Frankfurt, and wherever else stocks and bonds are sold and traded. The entire world woke up to the idea that the United States government and two parties assembled is not serious about solving the problems at hand. Oh let us look see what might be afoot, shall we?

For there’s the consumer confidence which has fallen by some measure inscrutable to me. I see people shopping; I wait in lines; perhaps they are buying less; I don’t count. But supposedly, the index which measures this all important barometer is down by some hefty amount tantamount to “oh brother, this is going to be bad for sales.”

And apparently with all the unemployed, and the fall off in consumer spending, I’d imagine that taxes collected would be less, no? I mean, even though unemployment insurance, as it’s styled bureaucratically, is taxed, it still has to be less revenues, right? Now too, business investment is down, if all the prognosticators on the business TV channels and at Moody’s and Investment Daily and the Wall Street Journal are right – and they perhaps know a thing or two about business investment, one hopes. They say, “Yep, it’s down.” So that means people will not be finding employment in the businesses that are not created.

Then too, I read in Yahoo News, always a mush source for sob stories of the rich and famous too, that mansions are being sold at steep discounts. And the YN brings me word that many want ads, such as they do exist, say something along the lines of “The Unemployed Need Not Apply.” And the newly graduated either, apparently, for the schools suck and are churning out people who can’t read, write or do arithmetic, nor have a clue  where Libya is, with which we are still at war with, apparently.

And too there’s the move by GE, General Electric that is, and its executives and CEO good pals with the president, attending his birthday bash at $34,000 a plate of rubber chicken or something; who have announced that they’re moving some division of theirs to China. Seems the health care law they pushed will be deleterious to their bottom line, so they’re out of here! And they paid naught in taxes either; because Obama is against the rich paying no taxes, and wants quite a hike on the rich, and the corporations; unless of course, it seems, you are a buddy of the man in the cornerless office in DC and give him big campaign contributions. Then you are free to not pay taxes without excoriation, and you may move your technology division to China without fear of demagoguery about the “off shoring” of good American jobs.

Then there’s the housing market. Oy vey! House prices are down nearly everywhere; which is good for buyers, and bad for sellers, but that is the way of the markets, right? Still, trillions in wealth and equity wiped out for some reason or another relating to the government and its Fanny Mae and Feddie Mac divisions which are just as separate from the government as the absolutely broke US Postal Service is. That is, yes, they’re supposed to make money and operate themselves within their means. But they are told how to operate, even if it is not good for the bottom line, and told “Don’t worry, we got you covered; screw the bottom line.” Only I’m sure more legalistically, like in oh, “Shortfall Reallocation Disbursements” or something cute like that.

Then there’s the retail sector. Iz mir. I’ve never seen so many empty store fronts. Well, at least not since Carter was in office. And office space galore is for rent. Why, I see so many for sale and for rent signs that it beclouds the thoroughfares with unsightly blemish of garish reds and greens and stars and “look at me!” pleas that it’s a wonder all this retail and office space is not sopped up at good rates by many a new business. Oh, that’s right, there seems to be a great shortfall in new business creation of late. Though there are more soup kitchens and food banks; which is employment of a kind, even if mostly volunteer.

Now, the car companies, foreign and domestic and hybrid foreign-domestic (Like, oh, Mercedes Benz in Alabama or BMW in South Carolina, you know, hybrids,) are about to be told by the bureaucrats that they had better get crackin’ on the impossible goal of 54 miles per gallon on average for their vehicles. We’ll be driving Sardine Cans and Herring Tins by the end of the decade, I’m sure. Those will be the name of the new models put out by whatever car companies don’t go broke.

Now the banks are under interdict to not spread themselves too thin, but lend outrageously, to get something going. They’re told to keep those reserve funds up, lest a run on the bank occur, and to lend out every last dime they can find so that people create new debts they can’t pay back to buy stuff they don’t need. So that’s a conundrum the Central Bankers haven’t quite elucidated with clarity, I can assure you.

Meanwhile, in a nation of fat and obese people to the point of government intervention in the menu offerings of restaurants and possibly soon at the grocery store, where the cookie aisle might be cut in half by government edict for the good of the nation’s waistline – there are, yes, starving people. So we are a nation of fat starving people, or starving fat people, which is a bit more plausible English-wise. And the joke is that all the poor fat people shop at Walmart because they’re starving to death on unemployment and welfare and only with government intervention of a serious sort, as the president’s wife has indicated, frequently, she is all for, will the obese no long starve in this great land.

Onward to the manufacturing sector, which is beset by regulations, and in California and New York by swarms of local bureaucrats to augment the herds from the Feds, is making less and less, but somehow the value is going up, and with less people, but who make more money. Perhaps. Depends on whom you listen to. Meanwhile, there’s no more dirty smoke stack industries, which is lauded by environmentalists in the morning; and then, when in the evening they become economic liberals for the laboring classes they decry the lack of, um, dirty smoke stack industries. Or perhaps they just want clankity-clank factories churning out goods no one wants by hordes of college educated workers doing work that robots can do, because the products are yesterday’s news and technology has moved on.

We are a nation that sends too many people to college, to rack up unseemly debts, to learn how to contemplate their navel as well as Shakespeare or some newer and less sung, but surely just as culturally important writer, because well, Shakespeare has been around for 500 years and thus is equal to the guy around for five years because everyone is equal. Plagiarism is up too; and I heard just the other day, on a promising note; that fully ¼ of China’s university students plagiarize their papers, which does make for a dent in the actual output of scholars without affecting the nominal output.

Meanwhile, many of the jobs that might be around don’t quite require a college degree, or a knowledge of European Art, or even much in the way of quantum physics. Still, every child deserves, nay, is required for the good of the nation! To go to college! Costs be damned, lack of learning shall not thwart their appointed rounds of beer at the frat house – Uncle Sam will foot the bill. And if you work for him after graduating by organizing a community or something to do something or other to get their fair share, Sam will forgive the loans, and pay you too.

Without any much thought, apparently, or by just a few, Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are heading for the abyss. The unfunded liabilities – also known as IOUs – and “the money we promise to pay you if we can tax it and borrow it out of other people” – are staggering. $100 Trillion supposedly, though some quibble and demur, and say, “$50 Trillion and not a penny more!” But still, that shall not be dealt with, because they are old and venerated programs, and while all other life forms on earth come to their end, and wither, and weaken, and die, and are sent back to dust and ashes, no federal program could possibly perish from this earth. Lest a new idea, one which works, comes along and displaces the mighty special interests who can’t see beyond next week and the legacy of a great president of long ago.

I’m sure, in this list of travails punishing the nation, in this catalog of perils to the national being, and to the Republic for which it stands and all that, you know, real problems – real people; with issues galore to contend with, I perhaps left something out. And then I remember; that’s right; there is another grievous problem afoot in the land. One so important, one so big, so horrendous, that virtually every presidential candidate in the land shall address it! Nay, all of them, and governors and senators and representatives of the people writ large, are simply consumed by the what is apparently the most pressing issue of our times:

 The reality of the existence of gay people and gay couples.

Mitt Romney, a front runner for the Republicans is now busy preparing to spend weeks floating around the nation with the queen bee of the imperial majesties of the NO GAYS! Movement, one Mr. Tony Perkins, in order to fully assess the length and breadth of the threat of sissy smooching. I kid you not. How bizarre, how bizarre.

And I’m like, are you serious? Are you nuts, Mitt?

Still, while the nation is festering and collapsing, presidential candidates are learning all about the perils of sissies — all because one man, this Mr. Perkins, is insisting that we are the problem and nothing else seems to matter. My my. How strange. So have fun, America. Sissy smooching is the problem? Hahaha! Get a grip boys and gals, the nation is falling apart and we’re the last thing you got to worry about. But you keep listening to this Perkins fellow and you’ll have bigger problems than us soon enough.


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