Can’t a gay guy crack a joke around here?

The economy is a mess, there’s wars all over the place, the deficit is out of control, the nation is spinning in some weird direction that some 80% of the people say is the wrong way. Many polls say that there is a great disaffection in the land. And it’s quite serious stuff. And I suppose I could consider it. But why? There’s plenty of other people dealing with it all. Here —, — and so many other places. Oh, I’m just having fun with the top story of our current days — a congressman’s tweet.

For we are now in the midst of Weinerschnitzel time – where a United States Congressman did flash his, um, member – to many a woman not his wife, and apparently, as evident from the news, to the entire world. And there’s many a joke slung. And quite ribald, all over the internet. One site I like, is particularly rambunctious with the jokes. Another, is also having much mirth. But even less satirical sites are having fun with the story. And it’s quite a story, I suppose, when a sitting elected official starts to go all creep on every damsel he comes across. He follows in a sad long tradition, alas.

Let’s hope he takes the high road and resigns, for having taken not the low road, not the ditch, but the sewer. The man is repulsive to society and to the legislative body. And if Boehner had one, he’d kick Weiner out for having done the deed, for the family values which Boehner does claim he has so much in mind.

At one site, IOTW, there was a claim by one of the staff, a Mr. Pinko, that he copyrighted “weinering.” And I wrote: “Alas, weinerring has already been taken by a company in San Francisco, which makes more ribald equipment than that.” That joke did not sit well, after all, it’s a “gay” joke about weiners, and what would we know of such things, right? So being a dramatic writer, I made a new joke — “Die Weinerring is a little known opera by Richard Wagner, with the usual plot. Boy espies girl from afar, girl thinks boy’s a creep. Everyone winds up hating boy. And the choir sings hallelujah as he leaves the stage.” Now, that they liked. And one wag added, “And did he write ‘Das Nibbleunden’?” Of course, it’s Nibelrungen or something, it’s a real opera, but the pun was made. Be was sure it was “boys” choir singing the praise. Sure. And so I added: in Die Weinerring it’s the baritones who sing farewell, but the sopranos have the “Tightenschortzen” quartet, and then there’s the haunting “Schwartzundschriven” duet, with a the difficult trio “Der Frau mit hammer” following it. — and that was liked. Weird. Both were just as punful, my two weinerring jokes. One liked, the other not at all. Aw.

This follows hard on the Schwartzundschriver schlong nonsense. And the jokes that could be done about Senator Ensign, you know, he’s in the navy or something. After all, ensigns are some sort of naval officer. Quite a village of spitzen und sparken with ladies not their wives of late, and gefingerpoken und schwanzezwingin too. Spitzer is right there on TV now, and I don’t hear Tony Perkins railing about how much he loves him because of the heterosexual lifestyle, now do I. I do not.

And then there’s all sorts of other stories of many a kind. On John Edwards, say, or even what some other moron says or does; it could be anyone, from Obama to the guy next door. And then come the jokes. Americans, I do believe, are the funniest people on earth. Oh yes, other people laugh and joke, of course. No nation is without its humor. But Americans, well, we are just funnier, probably because in a lot of nations making such jokes might get you thrown in jail. Which is no laughing matter. But sex jokes, well, they seem to be quite the rage. Whole books of them, and innuendos.

For instance, I was asked the other day at if I would ever consider getting a gun. And I said, “There’s something about having a hot steal rod that goes bang in my hand that scares me.” And well, because the folks there know the gay thing, it obviously was a pun of enormous size. But if I wasn’t gay, then well, the pun wouldn’t be there, or not nearly as much. Because hetero men don’t think in terms of rods, they think in terms of, oh, pie holes or something. I don’t know really; I try to stay away from such stuff; it offends me. But I’m just as heterophobic as the next guy. And when I write that line, which I do often, that gets no happy faces. I guess they can’t take a joke, I don’t know.

Of course, there’s the good ol’ gay debate too. We’re quite the topic of discussion. Nary a website of a political nature seems to stay away from the story, whatever it is. I think the discussion is if we’re going to be allowed to crack our own jokes, in public, with our hetero friends and a child nearby. Or if we’re going to be allowed to sit on a park bench and smell a rose and hold hands. You know, use the things we pay for just like everyone else. And I suppose too, it’s about if we’re going to be “cured” at public expense or just be allowed to have the very special right of being harassed and harangued and called all sorts of foul names and have ridiculous claims made about us by people whom claim they love us so very much that as soon as we are someone else we’ll be much better off for their nerves. They are quite demanding that we change our spots so they can sleep better at night. Few seem to see the forced indoctrination of a religious nature that this would entail – and for another American to have the right to demand I join their church is quite unfair and down right UnAmerican to boot.

Of course, anything that one particular dumb gay person does is automatically emblematic of each and every other gay person, for we’re all, um, you know, the same or something. And way too many people are conflating the Weiner story with gay stuff. But he has nothing gay about him. He’s a hetero skank. He’s shoving himself in the faces of women for heaven’s sake. What is gay about that? What, he’s a bit engorged? Hetero men get like that, too, I hear. Hell, I can hear a baby crying right now. Something must have happened. Because he’s in his underwear? Well, underwear seems to be worn by most men. And it wasn’t like he couldn’t get what he was wearing at the local Walmart or CVS even, rather openly on the shelves too.

Yet, there’s plenty of jokes a gay man can make on the situation. Particularly in ribbing heteros. For this is one of our complaints. Heteros do this sort of thing – and it’s Mr. Weiner alone who’s castigated, not the “heterosexual lifestyle.” But if a gay guy had done this, well, then, it’s the “homosexual lifestyle” that’s maligned. As if there was such a thing. I don’t know what it is. It’s simply being gay I guess, that makes it a “lifestyle.” Which is absurd. But that’s the meme. And of course, heterosexuals think they can make every joke under the sun about this, but somehow I must not crack a joke, or put a gay spin on it, for it’s … well, they don’t say, they only say that I shouldn’t be cracking the joke, because, well, I’m gay. Or something. It’s never quite clear. Still, few people I actually know, as opposed to internet hustlers that I encounter, would say that I without humor. So joke away I do. If you’re going to have gay stories, or stories that can be illustrative of a gay complaint, then I’m going to crack the joke.

And then, because of the constant calls for gay men to go straight – or “ex-gay” – and right in the midst of the Weinerschwartzensignedwards scandal, too – which is impossible for me to not see the bizarre parallels – and well, then, you see, I happened upon this site:

And I still can’t stop laughing. I mean, here’s picture after picture of gay guys with pussies. And no, not “with” as in having a body part, no – but “with” as in holding or shoving the pussy in their face, or having the pussy on their laps (of which, a very funny thing happened once on Johnny Carson, oh, early 1970s, I suppose, somewhere back then, I’m sure there’s a clip of it out there somewhere – Zsa Zsa Gabor came out to the show holding a cat. She sat down, and said: “Would you like to pet my pussy?” And Johnny said: “Move the cat and I will.” Well, he was yanked off the air instantly, and I think paid a fine to some censor or someone.)

So in the midst of all this Weiner charade, and of course the DOMA charade, and the whole bizarre idea in the minds of many that they can tell me to flash my undies at a woman and do something I’ve never done in my life – kiss a girl – and this is all related to me because we’re in the midst of a “family values” discussion, Right? Isn’t this what the “gay debate” is all about – the “family”? Sure it is. Supposedly, we’re against it – and supposedly DOMA protects families – and then, Mr. Weiner up and destroys the very concept, and not a “family values “ freak points to the “heterosexual lifestyle” Meanwhile, I’m off to the family of real values, my own.

Then I find this today – about the mayor of Denver involved in another heterosexual lifestyle assault on family values. Apparently the man’s name is “Hancock” which will bring endless puns beyond belief. Thank heaven’s I’m going on vacation – hell, I’m even now debating whether I should take the laptop – who wants to see this stuff?

And anytime in the past few days I saw some “gay” related anything – to the Weiner story, or to anything else, I have posted the link to There, you want us with pussies in our faces? There we are. By the scads, we’ve all gone for pussy. One lady told me she didn’t think the guys were cute, Well, of course not, they’re gay. We’re not supposed to look cute to women. Nor did she think the thread appropriate to where I placed the link, but I thought it was. And so what? I see the connection, I make the link, because well, it’s too obvious to me. What am I supposed to do? I told her “straight men are icky, you can keep ’em.” I don’t think she thought it was funny, oh well. But I shall be using it going forward for sure.

But really, who wants a straight man around the house? They clutter things up and kill the mood, for heaven forbid we crack a gay joke. You know, like saying “that guy’s a fine young cannibal, he can eat my meat.” Or how about, “Well, now that could be a tushburger deluxe, my meat between his buns.” Or “Yep, he’s a fag in training” about some young boy who is obviously gay – we can spot ’em a mile away. The last one really gets the heterosexuals in an uproar – “for the children” of course. But really, now, whatever happened to “takes one to know one” of old? Isn’t that what gaydar is? What, do you think it can’t read the signals from a 12 year old? Geez.

But the cat site, well, it seems to annoy heteros, and I don’t know why. Because it’s hysterical. The pun of it all. And then, surprisingly, some people didn’t like that. Like it was somehow offensive, or not funny. And I’m like, aw., too bad. Gay guys make different sorts of jokes because we see things well, a bit differently. And we have jokes among ourselves that never leave the gay milieu, or jokes that I would never make to a straight friend, unless he was like, well, like most of my straight friends – they’re gay aware and can take a joke from little ol’ me. Too bad for the rest of you all. But my gay friends, oh go use that site every time some heterosexual tells you you should like pussy.

Now, I got to go finish preparing for my trip, times runs short.


1 Comment

  1. ted

    There is nothing funny about gay.


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