The Race For The Gay Cure

The Race For the Gay Cure!

There is a movement afoot in this nation which seeks to “cure” gay folks of our gayness. They are the most unsuccessful group of people ever encountered. For decades now they have said they can cure us. They have had a zero percent success rate. They haven’t cured a one of us. For not only is there no cure, there is nothing wrong. All of us have told you people this. You will not listen. Weird.

More amazingly, if you are going to cure someone, shouldn’t you actually go find the people on whom you want to work your wonders? Wouldn’t you need to actually talk to gay folks up close and personal to cure us? Or are we that untouchable or something? Frankly, The Family Research Council, Exodus International, Americans for the Truth about Homosexuality, NARTH, AFV and all of them – that incestuous polygamy of political organizations who sit in judgment of us – should actually come talk to us with compassion – not a vicious attack of condemnation before telling me they really love me. The dual message is not good. I’ll take the second. You love me. Good. Thanks. Bye.

Yet, these people are so cocksure they can cure me? Com’n down! To a gay bar, to a gay event. Come, with your ministrations and your pamphlets. Even the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Baptists go door to door preaching salvation. You want to present your case? Why don’t you present it to gay people? We’re not that hard to find. You present it to yourselves and then say to each other you’re successful. It’s delusional, but hey, I guess you got nothing else to do.

In some ways that’s what the whole debate about gay people is – there are still so many heterosexuals who are seemingly convinced that there’s a cure – something, anything, they know not what – that will make us find the girl of their dreams. And then, having pronounced their opinion on the matter they demand we immediately enter upon the decision to not be gay. They issue a press release or something, or go on TV and tell us to be straight in a fortnight or be condemned. They put up a website, and they expect us to go search for it, so that we might find the elixir that boils down to us just agreeing to say we’re no longer gay. OK, I’m not gay, I just like guys. Done. They have a weird way of operating, but again, hey, I guess they think it’s working. They certainly poor millions of dollars and man hours into the project.

It’s like they’re playing one of those WarCraft video games, or maybe it’s Sim City. There are many video games that are interactive now. I don’t play them, but I heard of them – Wii for instance. I have no idea what that is – other than a video thingy with gizmos. I’m sure it’s fun for those who play.

But this an apt comparison to the alphabet soup of groups and their legions of followers. They are playing a video game with themselves to rid the land of gay people – and they don’t actually interact with the real thing. I have certainly never encountered any of these groups in any gay neighborhood or milieu, social setting or anything. They certainly don’t take out ads in our publications. Not that we wouldn’t publish them, just for the giggle of it. And if we decline – why, I’m sure that for the good of the debate, their free speech rights and their religious beliefs a court might actually rule that gay publications couldn’t even ban such entreaties. Still, nothing. I have yet to see that “Gay Cure” storefront clinic in my city, where people could take their gay folks to get fixed.

They have mailing lists of all their followers, used to raise the funds to live a good life. Think of it, Peter Sprigg lives in a nice big house with his wife and kids behind a picket fence, and pays for it all with a job whose sole purpose is to hound people into submission to his wishes. People who just giggle at his silly protestations and repeat, again, ad infinitum, ad nauseum – you’re wrong Petey, wrong. And you’re a failure because there’s nothing wrong and nothing to cure. Yet, they seem wholly incapable of coming up with a gay mailing list. You would think that they would be busy building a marketing database so that they can get their cure into our hands directly. Since it takes so much bombardment to subdue us (and not enough yet, I dare say,) one would think they would send us a pamphlet a week. Maybe even send over a doctor to take our vital signs or something. Nope, they’re just making a living claiming success while failure thickens around them. Weird folks.

They certainly can’t think we’ll come talk to them do they? After all, they spend the first 15 minutes of every speech condemning us, and the second 15 minutes telling us they love us so much that they can cure us – if only we cure ourselves. It’s the weirdest sort of way to make friends and influence people. First condemn, then love, then delusion. I actually stay away from people with such psychology issues.

You would think these people who would cure us would find the sick and save them. But no, they stay far far away for the afflicted. Hell, the Westboro Baptist Church hates us so much they’re trying to get the nation to stomp us out of existence. They don’t dare come to a gay place to cure us from our pain with compassion, no. No, they go after you. And you’re tired of it. Most of the nation is tired of it. Good for you.

Still, Tony Perkins and Peter Sprigg and Maggie Gallagher spend endless hours trying to cure us without ever telling us how other than – cure yourselves. They are Westboro without the Phelps family.

It’s like you going up to someone and saying “Hey, you should cure yourself of cancer.”

And when told “But I don’t have cancer.”

You respond, “Yes, you do, cure yourself. Now.”

And what are we to say to that? Just what?

When someone is ill, don’t people rush to their side? Don’t they rush to the injured? Don’t they spend endless time tending the ill until the cure is made? Sure, that’s what people do. No one condemns the suffering, the ill, the sniffling, nor even the psychotic. No, care and compassion are ladled out in globs of love and hope and balm. But not when it comes to the “sick” gays! Oh no, we get condemnation as the cure! These people don’t rush to our sides with the doctoring – they condemn us politically for having caught gayness and they then tell us we must cure ourselves or they will continue to condemn us until their dying day. Very weird, they have it backwards. I had always thought it “Physician: first, do no harm.”

Meanwhile, people are rushing to real suffering, of unimaginable proportions. That’s what people all over this world are doing for Japan – rushing to help. The horror unfolding there is in desperate need of attention. And in New Zealand too. And Lord knows, Haiti still hurts. I have a good source of a few million bucks for the effort – every dime in the coffers of the NO GAYS movement. How many millions does Tony Perkins have in his accounts to fight the strange chimera he’s after? What a waste of money to use it to tell us to cure ourselves – and he doesn’t even offer a girl to help. How unproductive, pointless and futile. Tony and Peter should donate all that money to some effort, and go there themselves and use their hands to lift the beams from the broken bodies. Or maybe it’s just fun for them, to pick on sissies, like a teen plays with Wii. For it’s juvenile, already, what they say. So they zap us out of existence in their game, and we quietly go lead our lives. And to their demand for our surrender we tell them: NUTS!

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