IOTW Contest Winners – If movies were gay!

IOTW Contest Winners – If movies were gay

The results are in! Or if I was a Liberal, fabricated. For nothing like a biased judge for a little activism, eh? But still, here they are, the results from a fine contest run by – and all its many gadflies for the Republic. Keep it up, people, and we may get this country back. Of course, merely posting the winners is not quite good, so let me indulge you with what I thought of what you all said. I had to swim through 403 comments, you can wade through this:

Let me first echo the comments of one Horrorman18 — “Damn you for being hilarious w/o going over the line!” And no, don’t damn you, no, for none of you went over the line. I found all of the puns, joke and ripostes, quite good. Not a one was nasty, none I cringed at, not a one was out of line. Poor taste, sure, but not out of line, and that’s important. I was laughing the whole night as comments were posted.

It is funny, however, that Menderman said: “I should know better than multi task…straight guys aren’t so good at it…” Well, if straight guys aren’t good at multitasking how can you run the military and the country? Maybe you should let gay guys in just to teach you to multitask, hmm? And dude, I do love your name: “Men, der man” Der Mann is obviously German for “the man.” Not sure which gender “der” is – Mein Deustche ist nicht – but still … what can I say, I giggle every time I see it, sorry Menderman, can you deal? But hey, you did ask me if I could take it – yes sir, I can, and I can dish it out with the best and worst of them, too.

Now, here’s a comment that couldn’t win, because it doesn’t quite work – Horrorman18 offered: “Leave the buns…take the gladioli “- The Knobfather” Well, why leave the buns? Sort of pointless if you ask me. I’d take ’em. Though that is one of my favorite scenes in the “Knobfinder.”

Stirrin the Pitcher offered: “Thank you sir, may I have another? – Kevin Bacon on his hands and knees in Animal House.” Which is a nice visual from my perspective indeed. However, he’s much better in his homoerotic film “Tremors” – Don’t think so? Can anyone explain to me what those two cowboys are doing living together in a camping trailer with at most a double bed? In the opening moments of the film, when they’re packing their truck together to move away, their tiny trailer is shown, for about 5 seconds, and never again. The rest of the movie is filled with so many gay puns it’s ridiculous. You probably don’t see it, but we do. And therefore a good line from that movie is, as Valentine (Kevin Bacon) is running with the bomb in his hands towards the cliff, after his buddy asks “What?” “I said I have a cute butt!” And off he goes.

Which leads me to a comment that eternal cracker p said: “…. I think Caddyshack was written by a bunch of gays now that it’s in this context….” Well, doh! Whom do you all think is filling the ranks of the entertainment world? The numbers of gay puns, word and visual, in movies is quite high, but because you don’t have gaydar you don’t see it. And gaydar is multitasking, indeed. No, it’s not to make anyone gay, some are just too obvious to let slip by opportunity.

Then Men, Der Man, you throw in this old story, and claim it’s true:

“A true story: A good friend of mine was having a birthday party for her girl friend at their fabulous new house and asked that my Wife and I celebrate with them. She told me I would love the new house that she had custom built. She said she had it built without a stud in it, it was all tongue and grove!

Now that is funny!!!”

And I wonder, are you pulling my leg? If so, go no higher than my ankle, and don’t touch my junk. So old, it’s hill-ish. Still, the only Lesbian reference, weird.

OK, so then there’s the Booby Prize (oh pun intended!) Only it was a tie; which, well, there’s always two, right? I think.

1) “James Bondage’s: Octoasspussy – Theme Song” – by Matt Damon’s Brain

In the gay world “pussy” is a cat, not something to delve into… Which leads me to believe you might actually be Matt Damon. I do believe you’re at the wrong contest. (For a wonderful take on why Matt should stay in tighty whities and off the hustings see: – they often do gay riffs on that simpleton.)

2) “ ‘Some day my prince will come…’ only this time Snow White doesn’t sing it” – by Janif

Well, Jan, if you had called the movie “Snow Knight” – well, then, you could have been a contender. But no gay guy cares if Snow White is doing it with her prince any which way; and we don’t want to hear them flaunt it, either. Though we would be happy for them.

Now, your most popular did not make my list – here’s why:

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Ken’s ass anymore.” – Wizard of Oz – By Ginger. This one got the most Thumbs up = 33 A great pun on Kansas, without doubt. But the visual of Dorothy with Ken is way too hetero for me, nothing gay about it. For it’s Dorothy who utters the line – and even we chase the dogs out of the room at the appropriate times.

And Sapper Chris gave – “If you blow it, he will come – Field of Creams” Which got the second most Thumbs up = 22. I don’t know, just too raw with the sex, I guess. Weirdly, gay men are far more prudish about such talk than you imagine (even if you don’t believe me.) Good, but still, it’s not like a gay guy would write that line.

And Sapper Chris – you gave us this one, too: “Seize the gay, boys. — Dead Poets Society” – and that’s the only one that hit too close to home. Something vaguely gay bashing about it, “seize” “gay” “dead” – Though I certainly don’t think you meant it that way. I hope. No, you couldn’t have. Did you? (Fortunately, no one else liked it either, good.) I think you meant “seize your inner gay” I’m sure.

There were many along the lines of “Bondage, James Bondage.” & “Bond. Male Bondage” The first by Menderman, the second by Edith McCrotch – which looks Old English to me, for “Eateth my crotch” – which itself is punfully delicious. Ahem. But any hetero guy or dominatrix could have uttered it, hence, not gay.

Now, Mendermen was on a hot streak: “My Mama always said, ‘Life was like a San Fransisco Bath House; you never know what you’re gonna get.’” Forrest Hump – And while very good, well, it implies AIDS rather than anything one could, um, get one’s fingers around with a creamy center. If you had said “… like a gay bar … “ Well, then, would be much better.

Since this one is like my motto – “It’s not the men in my life, it’s the life in my men. I’m No Angel” — jeckelmyhyde – um, I might need to see an 8×10 glossy to see if any, um, jeckeling of my hyde, or yours, may be in order. (Sorry, you set yourself up for that one.)

“Fasten your seat belts – it’s going to be a rumpy night — All About Steve” Good, very good, loved the title! – Chalupa (But maybe you should learn a bit of Spanish slang and find out what a “chalupador” or “chalupero” is and what they’re doing with the chalupa, eh? I dare say, not rump, but um, stump, is involved, if you know what I mean. Ay, Dios mio!)

Horrorman18 comes up with another good one – ” Today I consider myself the luckiest man sitting on the face of your girth “- The Prod of the Yankees. – But somehow, I get the image of chubby chasing. Not my thing. Sorry.

“That’s not a cock; THIS is a cock ~~ Cockodile Dundee” Now, Debbie, Yes, I identify with this, I did not need a cup in high school, I needed a mug. But “cockophile” – a tad better, no?

My Uncle Al was pretty boring too, a postman he was: “Star Wars – Luke: I can’t. It’s too big. Yoda: Size matters not. No modification necessary.” A good identification of gay puns in a movie, but still, boring.

“I joined the army to do MY patriotic duty… AND… to meet guys.” Pearl Necklace Harbor” Sgt Packer – not over the line, no, and loved the movie title, but still, a little too raw with DADT lingering around. Better luck in 5 years.

Johnny 5 is alive – gives us: “They may take our lives, but they will NEVER take our HEDONISM!!! Bravefarts” It was the farts that killed this for me. Sounds like a bunch of hetero soccer fans on the rampage. And too, perhaps, gay folks are quite adamant we’re not hedonists, so we would not have written the line. Your alternate, “He got me invested in a company of fruits, Forrest Rump,” was very good. Still, that’s apples, and as Men, der man points out, ’tis bananas more apropos.

OK, so now the Runners Up:

15 – “I’m not gay, I’m just drawn that way.” – Who Flamed Roger Rabbit: by Edith McCrotch – which may well be a pun on the t-shirt worn by gay guys: “I’m not gay, but my boyfriend is”(I doubt you saw that at the mall, heh.)

14 – “Play with it again Sam” White House – Mendermen (Busy dude, no date, eh? But sorry, I used it – before I realized you had, and so it can’t win. It would seem collusion.)

13 – “Ay, every inch a king.” – King Queer – Edith McCrotch (And a busy gal, too, with no date, eh? Edith, meet Mendermen – I can play yenta like the rest of you.)

12 – Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine.” – Casablanca

Now, Ginger – you only got 2 thumbs up rating on this one, and you too were busy: But I liked it better than your popular one. Proof, once again, that I often have it butt backwards, perhaps, sometimes.

11 – “I know what you’re thinking hunk. You’re thinking, did he fire six loads or only five?” By Betula. Oh so close! But next time, instead of “he” put “I”

Finally — the WINNERS!

10 – “I see gay people…” Snowball the Sourpuss

And ain’t that the truth! We all do; some of you are in denial, however.

9 – ”Oh… Oh god… Ooo Oh God… Oh… Oh… Oh… Oh God… Oh yeah, right there… Oh! Oh… Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes… Oh… Oh… Yes Yes Yes…. Oh… Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes… Oh… Oh… Oh… Oh God Oh… Oh… Huhhh…”

-”I’ll have what he’s having”

from When Harry Sucked Barry –

The scene is iconic, just one letter dropped from it all, the “s” in she, to make it gay. You’re title, ah, a little too raw, you could have kept the “met” in there. But, with a name like “Stirrin the Pitcher” – we’ll, that’s a good trade off. Do you know our jokes about stirring pitchers with …? Oh, never mind.

8 – Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and FABULOUS! Clue” Johnny 5 is alive

So, true. Men, can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em either. But hey …

7 – “We’ll always have Fire Island!” — Casaboinka – MAJ Mike

Yes, yes we will, Mike, yes we will. Romantically so. Glad you remembered!

6 – “Teacher says every time a bell rings, a gay man gets his wings!” – It’s A Fabulous Life – Ginger

Aw, blush, sweet – of the most perfect teases I ever heard, bless you lady.

5 – “The mission is a man.” Tagline: Shaving Ryan’s Privates – FreakyBoy

Any guy who ventures around me with a tagline of freakyboy while talking privates is playing with fire, and I got a hose to put it out. In a way, you’re a trifecta.

4 – “Mr. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you?” Debbie

Near perfect. Again, just a letter in a word, and gay you go again.

3 – “Love means never having to say you’re hetero” – Love Story – Stirrin the Pitcher (You get two in the top ten. Quite an honor to catch from he who stirs things up, eh? Heh, heh.) And my sentiments exactly, and still, very cute, teasing, cloying even, romantic like that cartoon in the paper.

2 – Lets get all the women and children on the lifeboats, then we men can take care of each other”

-Titanic – Combat Matt, Revolutionary

Or on the Good Ship Lollipop for all of that. And I would go down with the captain, or the first mate …

Drum roll:

1 – Call me Lennie you da’ man! You’re the best!

“Well, we’ve gone straight, what do we do now? – Butch Cassidy and the Bumdance Kid”

Hit the nail on the head! For that about sums it up. We’d have no earthly clue what to do!

Thanks Big, and all of you many commentators at I Own The World, for giving me a great fun factory to play in.

(The rest of you? Folks, lay off the pooh and pain references, OK? It’s sort of juvenile.)



  1. Josh J.

    In reply to your wondering about German gendered nouns:
    Der = Masculine Die = Feminine
    Das = Neutral

    Die is also used for the plural of all nouns so it can be confusing at first.

  2. Melody

    Jim you did not like my title name from A streetcar named Desire, instead I put A streetwhore named Dennis. Oh well maybe next time. It was fun playin!

    • Sorry Medoly — gays are not “streetwhores” — we don’t charge, and are quite willing to share what we have. 🙂

  3. slobyskya

    Don’t know HOW you managed to get through them all but well done. Good choices. and btw, I’m also sure that there was no inference in the quote from the Dead Poet’s Society – Sapper doesn’t even think in terms like that, in fact, I can’t imagine any of the regulars at IOTW would think that way.
    Besides, the Sap and I used to cruise the Blue Oyster, where I once won the naked ‘Impersonate Lyle Lovett’ dance contest by..back in the… oh –
    Did I SAY that or just think it?

    • Given Sapper’s other comments, no, I felt it was completely above board and cool, even. I understood his import, his hint at gay boys should just be gay. “Seize the gay” I took to mean “be whom you are.” True. But it was borderline, and I saw it as an opportunity to comment — I feed off of what people say. In one reading, bad, which I noted — in mine — not bad, rather, it was good. But, still, suspect. For the openness to nefarious interpretation.

      As for “how” — I’m dedicated 🙂

  4. Snowball the Sourpuss

    Thanks, Jim. Good fun. Fur should have you judge contests more often.

  5. Men Der Man

    Great job Jim!! And thaks Josh! I am glad the “Der” part of my name is masculine…mayby that is why some people call me Mendey? I’ll keep my screen name meaning a secret so you can still have fun Jim! Yes I can take it….umm I mean I can handle it…nooo, I mean, umm, nevermind….

  6. A huge…. thank you, to Jim.
    Very well done.
    The most thorough judge since Pamela Geller.

  7. Oh, and Smitty from the Other McCain.

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