Sunday Funnies Parables

The Parables of the Sunday Funnies are fine indeed.

Ah, the Sunday Funnies – perhaps the best part of the newspaper, as perhaps the daily comics are too. For the paper is filled with mush, but the comics, ah, such sweet puns of fun in pointed commentary. And how weird that sometimes by just switching a word or two here and there something quite more interesting might be brought to mind.

Today’s twist can be seen in Sherman’s Lagoon – which is one of my favorites. Sherman is the shark, of course, who says all sorts of strange things. Today he’s sitting on the seafloor talking to the crab, the waves at the top of the panel beneath the azure sky. Here’s the text, panel by panel:

“Here comes a snorkeler” Sherman says.

“Watch what happens when she sees me.”

And along comes a lady snorkeling, head down to see.

“AUUGGH!!” screams the lady, who thrashes back to shore.

“SHARK!” she screams on the beach.

Sherman says: “It’s always the same. They scream, They freak out, They flee.”

“Just another day in the like of a shark.”

“Lately it’s starting to feel like work.”

And the crab says: “You need a vacation.”

And if we put in the Family Research Council in for the snorkeling lady – and change the word “shark” to gay guy – well, then how appropriate, eh? Isn’t that what the plethora of family values groups is doing – peering into the lagoon and seeing gay people? Then they scream, they freak out and they flee? Sure it is. They are fearful that gay folks exist. They must be sure that if we are given a moment’s respite from their ministrations then the whole country will turn gay. Why anyone would think that anyone would “turn” gay is hard to tell. They don’t quite state it like that, but it must be their reasoning. If they think that saying anything nice about gay folks is bad, and if they think that mentioning that there are gay people is bad, and if they believe that to allow gay people some modicum of legal recognition is bad, then they must, deep down, feel that to do so would make more gay people. It’s absurd of course, and someone should tell them so.

I hope they all had a Merry Christmas, and perhaps for a day or two they suspended their culture war against us, but I’m sure by Monday they’ll be back up on the hustings. This is how they make a living? Castigating natural born sissies? How nuts. Merry to you, people, but get a grip.

And then there’s Mother Goose and Grimm – another favorite of mine. Today’s plays on a joke I’ve long made. It shows four superheroes, and a lady. She says: “You changed your name from the Justice League to this? What does GWWTUOTO stand for?”

And they say — “Guys who wear their underpants on the outside.”

And why do all the superheroes wear their undies on the outside of their tights? It is strange no? All the way back to Flash Gordon even. Is my viewing these cartoons and comics on TV, in movies, in the paper, one of those “mix of developmental factors” that Tony Perkins of the FRC is so sure exists? Did my seeing grown men in tights and underpants on the outside of them something that made me “turn” gay? I don’t know. I doubt it. It’s preposterous of course, for then there would be no straight folks left for you all see the same images. I mean, Superman was not a gay show, was it? Well, maybe Jimmy Olson, I’m not sure. Was Batman and Robin a gay duo? Doubtful. But still, that Robin outfit, quite nice really, and I recall wishing the camera lingered on him just a bit longer, and not on Catwoman like it did. But no, a Kapow and Bam were interposed over the visage.

What do all these people want of us, who think they will change us? Do they think for a moment we’re going to say, “Oh right, I’m screwed up, make me straight” or something? Beats me. We keep saying – it’s natural. They keep hemming and hawing about the reasons they think we’re gay, and then fall back on “Just say no!” It’s looney.

Or perhaps they’ll stop us from whatever it is they think the “gay lifestyle” is – by somehow forcibly preventing one of us from meeting another. That’s surely the Pope’s take on it – we should just deny reality, suppress any thoughts, and ever meet our twain – lest the “evil” and “disorder” surface and make us happy.

And over in the opinion pages a few days ago, on December 21st, one Eugene Robinson is talking about us like we’re a Progressive Liberal political position. That is, to be gay means one must be a Democrat. Now that’s crazy. Being gay is not a political position. He’s so sure the Democrats are right in getting rid of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell but so oblivious to the reality that it was the Progressive Liberal Democrats who put the policy in place. He says, this Robinson fellow does, the Joe Liebermann has this wonderful sense of “Righteous sense of fairness and justice.” Ha! Good ol’ Joe voted for the DADT – he was for it before he was against it. Sure, he’s evolved. But it ain’t out of any “righteous sense” of anything more than reality upside the head – a reality gay people brought to his attention. Of course, Robinson, being oh so “gay friendly” himself can’t find a gay person to quote or mention in his gushing over the Democrats.

And then the same day there’s this fool Richard Cohen who says “race is not about behavior” while failing to state what he thinks – being gay is about behavior, in contrast to race. And that “race is obvious, spotted clear across a room” as if gay people are invisible. Well, sir, gay folks can be spotted clear across a room too. It’s so obvious it’s ridiculous. Why on earth would the word “sissy” have been used since the 1400s about the obvious gay folks? How could you know which sissy to beat up? Why would the stereotype be so easily affected by straights to show a gay guy? The stereotype is indeed based in reality. It is physical, this gayness. This physicality might well be the reason we’ll never be Marines – and would be a perfectly fine reason. It’s not our morality that’s the issue – it’s our physical reality that gay men are just not he-man robust Marines. I’ve certainly never seen any gay guy who could ever serve in the Marines. Perhaps there are a few, I just don’t know. And being gay is not a “behavior.” This word, this comment, this sentiment, shows exactly how unenlightened this poobah of liberalism is.

Being gay is a brain wire mistake akin to autism. Oh I know this is not a popular thing to say. But autistic people are “normal” in that well, some tiny percentage of boys (mostly) have a brain wire problem. Just like gay people are a tiny percentage who are “normally” mis-wired. And when you conceive of us like this you will see that it’s not a “behavior” or a “political position” or “progressive.” Or anything else but simply an immutable difference. Which is one reason no one ever has been able to “change” us – though we might lie for a bit to appease any who do protest – we’re still gay on the inside. Nothing will change that.

Which is why a true study should be made – science brought to bear, along with logic and reason and even a dash of phrenology. Get down to a gay bar and just look – compare the scene to barroom full of straight guys – if you all can’t see the physical difference, well, I just don’t know what to say. And DOMA should have been eliminated first – but Obama ain’t into any gay rights as we envision them, that’s for sure. He’s right there with Tony Perkins and John McCain I’m sure. But do study, do think this through, this supposed threat we are — so we can get away from this ridiculous debate and the culture war against us. For like I said before Christmas, there we are, as kids, knowing full well we’re different, right there under the tree – and then we start to hear the nonsense about us. And the culture should not be at war with that boy. But I guess I’ll have to wait for next Christmas to get that gift of reason and an acceptance of reality. But I would like a vacation from this war for sure, and a good thing I’m going to Florida next week for a bit, to get away from it all.

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