Gays say NUTS! to culture warriors

“STFU you gay people.”

I read this all the time on virtually every internet comment thread into which I butt my nose. And that’s a lot of them. Some wiseguy decides that he’s heard enough and I should just “STFU.” I often see that very acronym, or some long drawn out statement that means the same thing. We all know what it means. STFU. Directed right at “hlavac” or some misspelling thereof. Or “you fag” or something equally as quaint. Or some variant of STFU which always involves S–U. It never fails, really, whenever I come to the defense of gay folks, or if I present a different perspective on the issue, as I often do. I’ve even heard it personally, to my face, more than a few times over the course of my life. And to STFU I say NUTS!

“If you wouldn’t talk about your sexuality no one would care.” Sure, sure, that’s what you say.

But you don’t mean it. You never have. “You” is your average and not so average, above average and below average, straight person, which means all of you really. It makes no difference your qualifications in any part of existence, it’s just “you,” for sure.

Obviously, for the purposes of this essay, where you is you, I and me and we and us is every gay person you encounter, and don’t know exists. Though it is very haphazard isn’t it? We seem to be butting heads against you in every corner of the nation. I personally never could know all the headbutting we’re doing. It’s too vast an enterprise. For we don’t have to argue just law with politicians and courts. We must argue philosophy with professors. And medical stuff with psychologists and psychiatrists. And we have to discuss theology with the religious. And of course we have to argue with our own mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles. This is something none of you quite comprehend. Which is why we can’t shut up – the subject is too big. Few of my buddies are equipped to argue the entirety. I like to think I do pretty good. From all evidence that’s true. But still, when I hear, when we hear, “STFU” our answer must be as clear as the answer given at Bastogne in the Battle of Bugle. There was a single word answer, a famous answer, the correct answer, from the American commander of the besieged, outnumbered and surrounded Americans fighting for Liberty for All, to the overpowering maw of the Nazi attack, to the German equivalent of STFU: NUTS!

The Germans were as confused as this as you all are by our NUTS! to you too. Oh well, who won?

Still, STFU? Oh, so you can continue talking? And I shall sit and listen? Like a child or a simpleton? And don’t tell me you don’t care about it so long as I STFU. For, except, well, you care enough to tell me to shut up about it. You care enough to tell me I can’t put a picture of my boyfriend on my desk. You care enough to tell me I can’t put up a fireman calendar on my wall at work. You care enough to yell at me if I dare hold hands in public. You care deeply if I smooch at the airport after a safe landing. You care if I join my fellow Americans in a parade to which you weren’t even invited, other than as a guest who should stand there and watch, and well, STFU while it passes.

And you all care enough to keep every law you possibly can against me on the books. You care so much you work hard to not include me in laws across this nation. You care so intensely that you purposefully exclude me and my kind from laws from this side of the nation to the other. Oh yes, you all have worked overtime to keep the gay menace, as you call us, each in your own way, at bay. You’ve failed, but still you insist. And we say NUTS!

Why, back in the days before the Stonewall Riot you cared enough to come busting into bars where we gathered in peace, hidden as best we could, just to drag us out into the street, break our heads, arrest us, inform our employers, and families, and work diligently to destroy our lives. That’s what the little riot was all about. The riot you barely know a thing about, and won’t learn about in William Bennett’s new American Patriots Almanac. No, we weren’t accorded even a footnote in that great tome of liberty for all. Still, we shushed, and that wasn’t good enough. And you raided our bars, incessantly, like jackals after the weakest prey. Like bullies after sissies even. So we said the hell with that. And we decided to never shut up again. Never ever. NUTS! You’ll never make us. For we having nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Oddly, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain too, but you don’t seem to think so. I don’t know why.

Though you do wish us to shut the hell up about it. Sure, sure. That’s what I hear. For the reality of our existence and our forthright statement of that reality just seems to bother so many of you. Though less and less, for it is getting better. Mostly because we’ve screamed NUTS from the rooftops so many times that some of you finally just grasped it and went home, the battle and the war come to peace. Not won or lost, just come to peace, like the lion laying down with the lamb. You are lions, we are lambs, and we say NUTS! Now, just all let’s get along in peace, shall we?

No, not peace yet, you are not ready. For some of you are still at war against us. That’s what the culture war is. It’s against gay people. And nothing else. It’s certainly not against any other abrogators of Biblical commands. Why, adulterers and abortionists among you have the nerve to say to us STFU. Well, NUTS!

This war is two fold. One is that some of you are still at war with gay people. And thus those are now at war with those of you who have grasped reality and agreed to peace. You lions who lay with we lambs are now in the culture war too. For back before Stonewall both current sides of the culture war were against us as one side. And we said NUTS! To you all, and some came to your senses, and others stayed very, shall we say, Germanic.

But let me assure you, you Culture Warriors, we shall fight you on the beaches, and we shall fight you in the streets, and we shall fight you in the fields, and in the churches and in every corner and inch of this great land. NUTS! That’s our only answer to STFU. That’s our only answer to the culture war. That’s our only answer to Tony Perkins and John McCain, and to every preacher and politician and the Pope himself. NUTS! That can be our one and only answer to every single thing ever said against us. NUTS!

Now, in this Christmastime, when Jesus himself has come to tell the story of peace and goodwill among all men and women, we’d rather be the lambs among you lions. But if some of you lions want to persist in your culture war against us – which has no object other than the elimination of us regardless of our sex, age or condition – than our answer is NUTS!

So have a Merry Christmas and remember, nuts are for pies, cakes and stuffing. There is nothing good that can come of the culture war against us. Other than your slowly losing the battles, and thus the war. For we say NUTS! Now, come, lions, we lambs just want peace and goodwill among all mankind. Try it, you might like it. We might be the pink sheep of the flock of God, but the shepherd’s birth is celebrated this week, and I don’t recall Jesus ever saying anything remotely like “You gay people, STFU!”

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