You know, you wake up some mornings just filled with mirth and merriment. The sun is out, the sky is blue, the flowering trees and bushes are in a contest to see who can put on the biggest, flashiest show, and the first stirrings of dormant plants are seen. Oh glorious morning. Of course then one turns to the news, which must be picked up from the front walk, and scan the headlines. Oh I’m sure it’s all serious stuff. Serious indeed. So much so that about the only weapon We the People have is ridicule and sarcasm. Those in power don’t really listen. No matter what we say their answer is “Com’n, don’t worry, we’ll tell you what’s good for you, don’t read anything we write, it’s not set in stone anyway, and well, you know, we operate the public schools so we know how stupid you are, and do you mind just paying a little more in taxes so that we might give you back your money for your own good?”
They don’t even say thank you any more. Instead they are quite upset that we dare to question their good works. Oh well, so sarcasm it is.
But first this bit of sarcasm from across the pond, in the Queen’s Realm: http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/geraldwarner/100029281/climategate-george-monbiot-despairs-of-the-agw-cause-there-goes-my-lifes-work
It’s a funny read for sure. Highly recommended, to bring you a smile and a giggle-chuckle. I should not be the only laughing fool this day.
Let’s look at the headlines for more chuckles. I’m sure the “writers” did intend to impart quite serious and Republic shattering news to us in such humorous ways. But still, such are the wonders of the English language that we can have fun with the unauthorized and unintended readings of their words.
“GOP backs earmark ban” Well, good, because the Democrat’s not-to-be-read-by-anyone health care taxation and control bill does seem to want to mark our ears. They seem to think we are cattle. You’ve seen the pictures, floppy ear, numbered tag, ready for the feed lot, so they might strip the beef from our bones. So a ban on that would be good.
“Court backs pledge in school” And a fine thing, too, for there is way too much dust and cobwebs that need cleaning in our school system. So pledge, lemon scented I think, too, is the best to spray liberally before the rags and mops come out to sweep up the detritus of the system, and thick and mucky it is.
“Bill would lower license fee” Yes, and I bet every Tom, Dick and Harry, as well as Emily, Jane and Joan would do so too. For who needs a doubling or tripling of the “fee” which is the new and improved “tax” so that the very efficient DMV might get another $13,000,000 to do something with.
“Baton Rouge whips up Oscar parties” Which is better than parties to whip up Oscars into some sort of fish-mush, to be force fed to us, like cod liver oil. You know, I prefer my Oscars swimming in those those little castles at the bottom of the aquarium, which is where, I think, Al Gore did get his idea of the seas rising.
“Americans regaining lost wealth – slowly” Yes, well, we don’t want to go too quick, for it is harder to hide it from the tax man. In fact, given the coming rise in taxes, there might not be any point to regaining wealth at all, for then the president will declare you rich and take it away and give it someone else he likes better, right quick.
“Democrats skirt abortion issue” Well, now see, if they weren’t poking up skirts with wild abandon they wouldn’t be having that trouble. I would guess that most abortions are asked for by Democrats and provided by Democrats, so it is quite a Democratic issue. Republicans, being more conservative, tend to get married and then have children they want, or go into the priesthood so they might be gay quietly. I have no poll data, or scientific survey on this, just a hunch. Oh, no, that’s right, they want to skirt it like in Hide it from all mention, since some 60% or more are opposed to killing babies as a general rule. Which doesn’t say much for the other 40%, now does it?
“Highway deaths increase” Which is probably because there are so many people out looking for jobs that they are bumping into each other as so many speed to so few openings. And too, what with unemployment and taxes dipping into the piggy bank, there is less money for new tires (oh yeah, the cheapest ones were slapped with a tax to make them more expensive, to um, help the people,) and brake jobs. So these would lead to more wrecks. People on the job everyday of course are driving less, hence less potential for bumping. Of course, too, what with governments at every level stripping the gasoline tax supported highway funds of every penny for other purposes, it is true that highways are dying all across the land. And dead highways do lead to dead highway users.
“Aftershocks hit Chile during inauguration” No word on if it is their version of the TEA party or not. I’m sure that we too, here, will feel some number of aftershocks come this November, and then tsumanis of repeal and blizzards of indictments, until a predictable really big aftershock when one Ms. Palin does get inaugurated. Such are political plate-techtonics and seismic shifts a-coming are wont to do.
“Gates: Sanctions against Iran inevitable” They sure are, for I’d bet even the Russians and the Chinese, the French and the Germans, might ratchet up the presure once the Iranians kill a few more thousands of their own citizens, and drop a bomb somewhere inconveniently. Though it’s not time yet, not enough dead or threatened to sway mines yet. And too, I suppose, what with sanctions of some weak nature already in place, the existing is inevitable, if one just reads the documents at hand.
“Early results show close race in Iraq” No word on if late results will show widespread voter fraud, or ballot box stuffing, to open the race up. On the other hand, they could be talking about the race at Baghdad Downs, where camels of the best sort are raced with the tiniest jockeys that can fit between two humps, and it’s nose to nose as they take the inside corner.
“Obama gets immigration plan” Well, it’s about time he became a citizen, no? I wonder who wrote up his plan for him? Welcome to America Barry! Now put away the socialism, OK? That’s old world stuff, this is the New World! Still, I’m not so sure the fact that Obama hasn’t released a whole bunch of his birth certificates, work records, college scores, or much of anything of his personal qualifications, or previous work, make much of a difference at this point. He’s spilled the beans: he’s an incompetent, flip flopping, lying, socialist. But you know the documents, the type we need to show when we get a job, if we can get one. On the other hand, when these do come out, it should provide some consolation to one side or the other.
“GOP loses bid for probe of Massa allegations” Who would want to probe Massa? Shouldn’t we prod him? Probe sounds a little too proctologetic to me. Still, he does live with a passel of stud muffins, it turns out. Including one or two that came over from Barney Frank’s office. And Barney doesn’t let just any stud muffin get away. He was even saddened by the departure of Gary Studds, fellow congressgender. Or was it Gerry? So hard to keep the probees from the probers.
“Biden tries to soothe tensions with Isreal” And well he should, after all, he all but told them to give up the country they’ve called home for oh, some 5700 years, and kiss the Hamas-Fattah “we want to kill Jews”butt, right after the last missile is fired into a Jewish shopping mall. Had Biden kept silent in the first place he would not have to soothe the tensions he did raise. Hackles even, Biden raised hackles! Which is difficult for a mush ball of such proportions that he is given to taking other people’s lives and words to fill out his own emptiness. When he’s not doing nothing, he’s screwing up. What a guy! No wonder Delaware didn’t mind seeing him go to where he could do less harm.
“Vatican condems move to sell condoms at school” Well, do they want to just give them away? Or do they want to just have lots of teen pregnancies? Or perhaps they are pushing for lowering the marriage consent age back to 12 so that the Lord be spared all that illicit sex. Of course, for a bunch of guys in dresses to bitch about drag queens – oops, wrong complaint. Meanwhile, no word if this is just a cost savings for priests to get free condoms for when they are busy molesting little boys. And now, alas, even the pope’s brother, some prelate of some sort, was caught with his hands somewhere near the altar boys. Indeed, some say the scandal could reach to the pope himself. And what does it say when a mom’s two sons both go off to dress-wearing morality teaching, publicly eschewing sex of any kind, and then work themselves up into a lather over whether some poor schnook does what the pope and bro never did in their lives.
“Austerity action spurs strike” This in reference to bankrupt Greece. The accompanying picture does show an Audi being struck with a flammable substance. Which leads me to wonder what the poor owner of the Audi did to deserve to be struck. No word on if the intrepid reporter recording the destruction took down the names of the young men in ski-masks, and one with a rather audacious striking tool, some sort of mini-sledge hammer, so that the Audi owner might obtain succor and a new Audi. Does Greek car insurance cover Damage from Strike? Or is this so common place, like in France, that no insurance company would desire to offer the coverage? Still, given the ski masks, and given the recent snows in Barcelona, on the Mediterranean Sea like Athens, and well, it could just be a bunch of vagrants trying to keep warm. It is unclear.
“ACORN agrees to leave Ohio in suit” Which is better than what the rest of us are getting from ACORN. For they are leaving us in our underwear, so intent on stealing taxpayer funds, elections and anything else not nailed down, and especially all the original videos showing their corruption if they could, that we have no suit left. No problem though, for we have no jobs which might require the suits we did have.
“Cuomo recuses self in Paterson probe” Well, yes, so toxic is Paterson politically that no one wants to be seen even prosecuting the scuzzball, lest some of the scuzz drift over and despoil anything or anybody else. Where will they get a prosecutor not sullied by New York politics to probe Paterson for whatever else he’s hidden up his wazzoo?
“Blagojevich asks for delay in trial” And wouldn’t you too if you were sure to be convicted? I’d postpone that trial for as long as I could, beyond my natural life if possible. Meanwhile, Blago, as he’s affectionately known, is trundling through the studios of the mainsteam media looking to get the best book deal before being given a very long time to write it. Or perhaps he wants to see if any other sitting or future former governor can top his level of corruption so that he might appeal to the judge: “See, I’m not as bad as that one there, have mercy on my soul and send me to a TV studio so I might apologize like Spitzer and jump right on back into politics.”
“Additional chidren’s jewelry recalled” Yes, I fondly recall my Cracker Jacks decoder rings too. I should have kept them, for I hear they can be used to divine the melange of health care taxation options being considered somewhere this day. Does my high school graduation ring count as childhood jewelry? Let’s get a committee together to discuss that pressing issue of the day. Why, we could get a federal grant!
“Agency looks at safety” And well they should, for the TEA party tar and feather brigades are mighty miffed at agencies hither and yon. Why, the Dept. Of Education bought 27 shotguns just the other day for safety of some sort. I do think they’ll need more than that though, for their own safety perhaps, or surely just to drum up more fear in the populace so they might ride to the rescue of their own mongering.
“Testing unravels mystery” Wow! A test that works? Is that allowed? I thought, like you know, for instance, when a new product was put out, or even next year’s model, that it was supposed to be tested for all manner of faults by who knows how many agencies that can get in on the act to preserve their jobs and the public too. Like, oh I don’t know, OSHA, Depts of Commerce, Labor, Energy, and the Federal car industry, and the road authorities, and consumer products safety division, or something like them, and with all the pre-testing and unraveling of mysterious new thingys we would not have so many recalls. Or are the recalls more efficient in padding federal payrolls then catching the broken stuff before it is released to the public? It is hard to tell.
“Ex-office pleads in bridge death” I did not know you could kill a bridge. Neglect it, pershaw, but kill it? Hmmm.
“House impeaches La. Federal judge” Which house? The one on Elm or the one on 4th Street? Hmm. And could a federal judge or two please impeach the House, so that better people might be found to run the public purse and purpose. Thanks, judges.
“BESE leadership issue on hold” Yep, still no leadership there, as if well obvious by the condition of the schools and students.
“Social Services plan would cut jobs, offices” Well, when government cuts jobs it is a new way of doing things, and a sign of some problems somewhere in the government’s purpose to fleece the people. Lets hope the cutting goes on till the last one turns out the lights. Or, what’s a few social service jobs at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
“Ex-school board chief gets prison time” Well, there, see, there’s that leadership on hold thing again.
Finally, we get “School cancels prom over teen lesbian couple” Well, a little overboard no? Cancel the whole thing because of one couple? Talk about tossing baby with the bathwater, hell, the whole tub too, and wreck the bathroom while we’re at it. The poor lesbians already looked at askance, but having the courage of convicition, which I thought was taught in schools, along with Free Speech, Right to Assemble, travel, etc, and in general pursue happiness, are now to be held up to further public ridicule, and possible more physical nastiness by those denied their prom merely because two young ladies wanted to go to their prom and dance together, like you know, women dance with each other all the time when a guy is not around or unwilling. Oh, no, the one of them wanted to wear a tuxedo! Horrors! Pants on a girl! END of the world, except those denim jeans for sale there and here. Someone should tell all those pants suits wearing power women on this school board that they do cross the line, what with those manly outfits. It couldn’t be the men opposing the lesbian couple, given most straight men’s strong desire to wriggle with lesbians, or so the popular culture does declare. Ah, now I get it. This one lonely gay couple would stir the passions of the teen boys to no end, now that they have in real life right there what formerly they only had in their Playboys under the mattress. But still, couldn’t the school board have just pooled their money and sent the young love birds on a trip to New York or New Orleans or something, so that you know, American citizens being American don’t do anything to upset apple carts in ruts of past thinking. Conformity to the barricades! Who knows what women will want next – the vote! Or to be governor! Or Secretary of State! Even, shush, say it ain’t so – president. Horrors in a blue pants suit!
I’m exhausted, out to the gardens, where mirth belongs.
- Posted in: Uncategorized