Wanted: Frozen or Alive

Wanted: Frozen or Alive

A New Documentary by Anonymous, coming to a theater near you soon.

The scene as the movie opens — an old high speed railroad office somewhere on the Butternut Trail …. the characters: John Galt and your humble blogger.

And action >>

clickity clickity clickity — “Oh look,” said frozen people the world over,“there’s an urgent All Points Bulletin coming in over the wires.”

clackity clackity clackity — “Attention, attention citizens. An urgent call is being made by competent authorities to find Al Gore. Stop. He’s been missing since last seen getting into a limousine in NYC before the last blizzard. Stop. It was seen heading across the Brooklyn Bridge (still for sale, bargain rates) towards JFK. Stop. Rumor has it that he boarded a tropics bound private jet. Stop. Anyone having word of his whereabouts please contact anyone not snowed in. Stop. He’s believed to be armed with inconventient information and dangerous. Stop.”

“Wow, he sounds like Judge Crater.”

“Who’s Judge Crater?”

“He got into a taxi one day and was never seen again.”

“Don’t you mean Jimmy Hoffa?”

“No, Al can’t be with Hoffa, the ground is too frozen to bury him.”

“Who says bury him?”

“Everyone from Reno to Dallas, from Richmond to Boston. If they’re buried surely Hoffa is too, and so should Al.”

“Sounds like a conspiracy.”

“Could be. We’d know more if the press was able to use its considerable resources to find him and the incorrect information. Too bad CBS and ABC are laying off dozens of reporters who might do the job. The only one still reporting on the issue is apparently Seth Borenstein. He thinks it’s all settled, whatever it is.”

“Well, what about all those guys on the major networks?”

“Do you mean they who are white as the driven snow?”

“No, those who sound like they ate the yellow snow.”

“Are you maligning Chinese people?”

“Me? Are you crazy. There are there a slew of powerful Mao lovers in the White House. You know what Mao did to anyone who maligned the state. Plus, the Chinese are threatening to stop supporting us. Making them mad is not a good idea.”

“Maybe Al went to Norway, so that he could get another prize, this time jointly with the Dalai Lama. They both bring warmth, after all.”

“Doubtful. A friend in Bergen just emailed to tell me they are so snowed in that the airports are barely functioning.”

“Norway? Snowed in?”

“Yeah, and just because the Dalai Lama walked past some garbage doesn’t mean he’s for recycling. Except buddhas, of course. For reincarnation is the ultimate recylcing. ”

“So maybe Al is helping Phil Jones straighten up his office? You know, to find the missing data?”

Doubtful on that too, didn’t you hear? Europe is snowed in from Dublin to Moscow, Madrid to Stockholm, it’s stupendously record breaking. Al can’t get there. Plus, I think he’s banned in England. Or wanted by the law, I’m not sure.”

“Well, maybe Al is behind a closed door with Senate Democrats working on global warming legislation.”

“Why would anyone be working on that?”

“Well, there’s still things to tax and regulate, even more ephermal than your breath. There’s still your thoughts, you know. And I heard Obama wants to copyright the word ‘I’ and charge everyone a buck just to use it.”

“I bet.” I paused to think. “No, that’s right, no good to do that, since the president said don’t go to Vegas.”

“I thought whatever happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas? Why worry?”

“Not this time. Obama and Reid returned to the White House to push for the same health care takeover they’ve been pushing for a year.”

“I thought it was a 100 years?”

“Maybe so, it still seems no one wants it. So they keep lowering the number of votes required to pass it, but so far they still can’t find enough. Now they’re down to 51 in the Senate and 216 in the House. Still, it’s a no go.”

“I suppose you’ll tell me if this doesn’t work they’ll lower the voting threshold again.”

“Yes, in fact, the votes required seem to be in inverse proportion to the height of the debt ceiling. One goes down as the other goes up. And the ceiling is now rising faster than the seas. I think it went up 1.9 trillion centimeters, and the seas were supposed to go up just 87 centimeters.”

“What’s the debt got to do with it?”

“Well, Obama, likening Greece to America, each very equally exceptional, is trying to return to the ancient Greek democracy of rule by philosopher kings and unions. The unions in Greece say the hell with belt tightening, it’s time to raise the taxes. Now they’re rioting in the streets demanding more government spending. Here, Obama is very upset that the peons are demanding less government spending, which is a danger to democracy, and philosopher kings. So he’s trying to learn from the Greeks how to make more public service union employees and get them to riot in the streets here.”

“Who would raise taxes at this point in time? With so many unemployed who could pay them?”

“Almost every politician wants to raise taxes. Why, not only did they create a commission to look for the best way to hide tax increases in a bipartisan way, but the president said well, now even the poor have to pay taxes. The idea to even tax unemployment benefits and social security has been floated. If it moves or doesn’t, it is to be taxed, for the good of the Republic. Why, it seems even Scott Brown wants to raise taxes, or perhaps it’s just the debt limit to borrow so that taxes can be raised later on. I’m not sure.”

“This all doesn’t seem right.”

“It isn’t. But only Al can explain it. He who invented the internet, he who is married to the woman who knows the best lyrics to put on rock albums, they who Love Story is all about, he who knows all about one of the most complex things barely known to man – the Climate – he has the answers. And once he is found he can join Pelosi, Reid and Obama for voting 4 to nothing for complete government control of everything.”

“They can’t do that. Who do they think they are? And there’s a Constitution.”

“Silly you. The Constitution is an inconventient truth. They are the four donkey riders of the apocalypse. Al represents celebrities, the media and former politicians. Pelosi represents the anti-Nazi people, the cities and counties, and the botox doctors of the world. Reid represents the states and all minorities and the socialists Vegas haters. And Obama represents God, reason, fortitude, the world, and billions of thin dimes. Together they are the philosopher king quartet singing the praises of taxes, rules, laws, regulations, bureaucracies, and …”

Clickity, clickity, clickty … “Oh now what?”

“This just in – AL GORE FOUND. Stop. He was found working a gee gaw stand outside the gates of never never land, on the road to Oz, with a wizard on his knee. Stop. Efforts being considered to return him to reality now, and the pokey for safe keeping for future crises. Stop.”

The machine stopped. “A wizard?”

“Yeah, we’re all looking for the one person with the one complete holistic idea to kumbaya the world into peace, harmony and prosperity. Didn’t you know that?”

“No, I thought we were all supposed to be involved.”

“Nah, community organizing is so last year. Everytime it’s tried here the community warms up the tar, flounces the feathers and pours a cup of tea. Very bad, so a wizard is needed.”

“Oh, I did not know that.”

“Don’t you read Time & Newsweek? I guess not. Otherwise you would have known that.”


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